Everywhere you look, there's celebrities turning down offers to pose in Playboy magazine. Ashlee Simpson turned down a $4 million offer. The women from Desperate Housewives turned down a $9.5 million offer. The women from The Apprentice turned down a $1 million offer. Well I'm no prude. I'll pose nude in Playboy for $8.
Not eight million dollars, eight dollars. That's a special deal for Playboy, though. It doesn't apply to you readers. This isn't Craigslist. Put your sticky money back in your stinky pocket, Wade from Bibb City, GA. This deal isn't for you. I will not pose naked in some weird dude's garage for eight dollars.
It'll take twenty dollars for that to happen.
Better hurry up and accept my offer, Playboy. Every moment you wait, the price goes up. It's now going to take $8 and a backrub to get me all nakey. I'm no celebrity, but I'm young, tenderized, ripe (in a positive way), and I have my very own website. Oooohhh.
You could put me in one of your college issues. I graduated from college four years ago, but I'd be willing to take some night classes. Maybe a pottery class. I've always thought I'd be good at pottery. I have gentle hands.
Uh oh! The price just went up again! Now it's $8 and a backrub from a woman. You could have taken advantage of me there, but you missed your chance. Now you not only have to pay me, but you have to find a woman willing to touch my naked shoulders. Good luck with that one! Believe me, I've tried! From my experience, I've learned that your best chance is to find an underage, overweight girl who's been drinking heavily for many, many hours. Many hours. Pretty much 24 hours straight.
What's that sound? It's another minute ticking by on the clock! Now my price is $8, a backrub from a woman, and my choice of beverages at the photo shoot. This blockbuster issue is getting expensive! Better watch the flyers for Ralph's to see when they're having a sale on Mr. Pibb! Seriously though, I'll pose anywhere you want: In a room full of fluffy pillows, on a construction site, in a transparent tub of Jell-O with twenty-seven attractive yet emotionally crippled women. The text on the page can say, "He can multitask in the sack like a veteran secretary of love!"
Whooo! The cost just went up again! Pick up that phone, Playboy! The price of my dignity just rose to $8, a backrub from a woman, my choice of beverages at the photo shoot, and a copy of City Slickers 2 on VHS. I don't care if it's used, just as long as it's been rewound. The other day I bought "Brian's Song: The Brian Piccolo Story", and it started playing at the end of the movie and totally ruined it for me. Your legal rights to my nudie pictures will be dependent on the rewound nature of any and all Billy Crystal VHS vehicles you transfer to me.
Okay Playboy, I'm sick of waiting, but I'm an honest man, so here's my final offer. I'll pose nude for you if you give me $8, a backrub from a woman, my choice of beverages at the photo shoot, a copy of City Slickers 2 on VHS (not Betamax!), and a lifetime subscription to your magazine. But you have to cut out all the articles before you mail each issue. I don't need to read interviews with Jerry Bruckheimer and some guy who runs a show on SpikeTV, thank you very much. Leave in the jokes and the playmate stats, though. I like to laugh when "porn" isn't listed under the "ambitions" section.
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