I've been a columnist for the Reader Weekly in Duluth, MN for about three years. I don't do anything else. I don't have a job. I don't have any friends. I don't attend social activities. I don't have any hobbies or interests. I live out of my car and spend all 24 hours of each day carefully crafting the masterpieces you read here.
Even the crappy ones that aren't funny.
As I understand it, the editors of the Reader Weekly lead a similar life, except they have interns to have sex with. That's why I've always thought the editors and I are a great team. I'm a loser, they're losers. I can't afford a haircut, they can't afford a haircut. No one will hire me for anything except telemarketing and second-tier journalism, no one will hire them for anything except telemarketing and second-tier journalism.
So I was greatly heartbroken when I learned that the editors of the Reader Weekly have been deceiving me. The sons of bitches are hoarding beer. They get free beer for editing the newspaper! There's a fridge in the newspaper office that holds bottles of delicious, free beer that the editors are allowed to drink!
WHY THE HELL DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL ME THIS BEFORE I MOVED 2,084 MILES AWAY FROM DULUTH?
Free beer! That's all I've ever wanted in my life. I don't want riches or fame or big mansions with naked robot butlers. I don't want fancy cars or women who are better than me. I don't want success or the respect of my peers. God, no! I just want some free hooch.
Sweet Lord, where did I go wrong? It seems like every time I move away from a city, it improves itself. I moved away from Minneapolis, MN and they added a new rollercoaster to Valleyfair. I moved away from Duluth and the newspaper started giving away free beer. I moved away from La Crosse, WI and uh . . . well, at least La Crosse still sucks.
Please tell me the Reader Weekly only stocks lousy beer. Tell me it's just Schlitz's or Milwaukee's Best or something equally horrible. Oh, who am I kidding? I'm still jealous, even if it's Milwaukee's Best. Just tell me Dennis Kempton is mistaken and it's actually O'Douls. Hey! Maybe it's wine coolers! Dennis is gay! He might mistake Bartles & Jaymes as part of the beer family, right? Actually, I'd drink that crap, too. At the level of unemployment I've reached, I'll drink pretty much anything.
Bud Ice? Is it Bud Ice? Oh, who am I kidding? I love Bud Ice too.
I can't believe that in all my years in Duluth, nobody told me about the newspaper's beer fridge. I lived there for years. Years, I tell you! If I had known there was free beer, I would have volunteered for the paper when I was 12. The state of Minnesota should pass a law that free liquor must be announced to all employees of a business. Of course, the Reader Weekly beer is probably only for people who actually work hard on the paper, and I don't fit into that category.
Is it Icehouse? If it's Icehouse I can let it go. I can . . . oh, who am I kidding? I love Icehouse too. Hell, I'm so poor, I even love O'Douls. If it's free fake beer, I can pretend it's real. I have a great imagination.
If the young people of Duluth learn anything from this column, I hope it's the importance of using college to major in something you actually enjoy doing, so you won't have to wander aimlessly through life unemployed. Do you see what's happened to me, kids? I'm getting all worked up over beer that's 2,000 miles away from me. Don't end up like me, kids. If you follow your dreams, you'll only end up sober!
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