My dad's a pretty good golfer. He once hit a drive 300 yards off the first tee at Pebble Beach in front of a bunch of rich/famous people (Or maybe it was longer. I'm not good at listening). Of course, he flubbed his next shot, thereby eliminating any respect those people had for him, but he's still a good golfer.
My mom just informed me that my dad won a bunch of money by placing fourth in some golf tournament called "The Big O". I'm not sure what that is. To tell you the truth, it sounds like a 600-man gangbang. But either way, I'm proud of him. A boy must look up to his father, whether the event said father has placed fourth in is a golf tournament or a massive round of Cream on the Cookie.
I'm not much of a golfer. I'm more of a mini putt-putt man. I can't play real golf because the mere thought of it sends me into a deep sleep. Growing up, my dad was always watching golf on TV. I think I slept through most of my childhood because of this. My dad probably doesn't even like watching golf. He probably just used it to keep my brother and I sedated. Why put up with your kids when you can use televised golf to lure them into a coma?
I'm both socially and ethically opposed to the idea of golf. There's just too much walking, politeness, and hat wearing involved for me to enjoy it. Golf seems like the type of sport where a man would be looked down upon for getting drunk in the clubhouse and punching another man in the groin. Of course, there's always public golf courses for that sort of tomfoolery, but I don't want to punch a poor man in the groiner, I wanna punch a rich man in the groinafer. If I wanted to cheap shot a poor man, I'd walk half a block to Hollywood Blvd and pick a fight with a burnout hippie who wears panties on his head.
The only way I'd play golf is if I could ride in a cart, drinking beer and molesting the beer cart girl while someone else actually played the game for me. My dad always tried to get me excited about golf when I was a kid, but he's a gentleman player who isn't much for drinking, using carts (Real golfers walk, he says), or molesting beer girls. So I never got interested.
He'd still try, though. "Y'know, those professional golfers have it just as good as professional baseball and football players," he'd say. "Great big buffets at those tournaments, really nice spreads."
I weigh 150 pounds, so buffets aren't really my thing. Plus, I've never heard Tiger Woods raving about "the fine spread" at a golfing tournament. Maybe "The Big O" has a nice spread. Y'know, edible underwear and whatever else people eat at a gangbang.
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