I learned an important lesson this week. When it gets hot in Minnesota, people turn on their air conditioning and things are fine. When it gets hot in Los Angeles, people turn on their air conditioning and the power stations all break down, causing power outages for everyone. Then we all walk out to our front stoops and get drunk. It's a nice little system.
Saturday was one of the hottest days in L.A.'s history, with highs of 101 degrees in the city and 119 degrees in the valley. The power went out around 10pm in my neighborhood, and since it was still almost 90 degrees, I grabbed a few brews and walked downstairs to the trusty stoop, where there were already two old men bitching about the predicament.
"Why aren't the emergency lights on in our building?" they squawked, the smell of Gold Bond Medicated Powder poisoning the air. "That damn lazy landlord! I could fall down the stairs and break my neck!"
"Yeah, that would be awesome!" I shouted, taking a large swig of my beer before passing out on the sidewalk from heat exhaustion.
My apartment building doesn't have air conditioning, so I've been miserable the entire summer. I greatly enjoyed Saturday's power outage because it meant people better off than me were finally just as miserable as I was. Sleeping in 90 degree heat without a fan is horrible, but it's worth it if Mr. Fancy House Across the Street With Air Conditioning has to sit on his front porch and listen to me shout drunken obscenities all night.
And he did, dear reader. He wasn't too pleased to see me and the other younger people in my building drinking in public and yelling profane insults at each other. I fired so many obscenities into the air that you could still see them hanging in the smog the next morning.
"You fucking know what every fucking Mercedes-Benz in this fucking town fucking needs?" I shouted more than once during the evening. "A big fucking piece of my poop hanging off the fucking hood ornament! Stinky brown hood hoagies for everyone! Whooooo!"*
* To be honest, I never actually said that. That little trick is what we writers call "poetic license", which is when we completely lie to you to make ourselves sound cooler.
Okay, so I may not have shouted obscenities all night, but I did take part in some fine stoop drinking. As soon as the power went out, the survival training I learned in college kicked in: If you can't sleep, get drunk enough to pass out. Can't sleep because you're sad that your girlfriend dumped you? Get drunk! Can't sleep because you're homesick? Get drunk! Can't sleep because your unhygienic roommate smells like farts and masturbation? Get drunk!
Unfortunately, this system is flawed with power outages. Drinking too much makes you a little too sensitive to handle the big surprise that comes when the power turns back on later. Trust me, I learned this the hard way early Sunday morning. When the power went out, I was listening to the radio and watching Miami Vice on TV, so when the power was restored at 5am, my TV and radio started blasting at full volume. I was so terrified that I nearly jumped through my window blinds and into the neighbor's yard.
After shutting off the TV, radio, and all the lights that were on the night before, it was impossible to get back to sleep. My head was pounding from the hangover, and my body was jolting from the tremors that occur after a person has a heart attack. It was like I downed three pots of coffee in ten minutes. So to recap: If the power goes out, you should not, I repeat, NOT get drunk and pass out at 3am. Lesson learned? Lesson learned. Until I forget it five days from now.
I'd like to use the rest of this column to ask if anyone knows how the hell the 1984 pilot episode of Miami Vice ends. It was almost over when the power went out, and now I have no idea what happened to Don Johnson and his pet alligator and that black guy who says funny black guy things that black guys used to say in the '80s. I'd really appreciate it if someone could help. Since it's the summertime, normally I'd just say to hell with it and go find a mildly attractive girl with huge self-esteem issues and have sex with her, but it's far too hot to have sex with anyone right now.
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