Note: All the quotes in this column are real, taken from the article about the incident. Everything else is just sweet, sweet libel. Wheeeee!
Actor, director, bible thumper, fart inspector, and merchant of hatred Mel Gibson was arrested late Thursday night for drunk driving. Journalists are questioning why Malibu police gave the 50-year-old anti-Semite preferential treatment.
Police originally stated that Gibson was arrested without incident, but according to the full police report - which was leaked to reporters yesterday - Gibdouche was abusive, shouted anti-Jewish slurs, attempted to escape from custody and boasted that he "owned Malibu".
To be fair, Gibson does in fact own the city of Malibu. He bought it last year from The Jews for an undisclosed amount. It's okay though, because they were non-Jewy Jews, not as Jewlicious or Jewfunct as typical Jew Jew Bees. According to Hitler's diary, it's okay for Jew-baiters to purchase items of great fancy from the Hebrews as long as they someday use said items to harm Jewish people or the state of Israel. Gibson plans to accomplish this by spending one day a year throwing Jewish children into the ocean's undertow, though real estate experts are debating whether the ocean qualifies as an official part of city property.
Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca is under fire for the undue courtesy officers showed Gibdouche during his arrest. When asked why the original police report was censored, and why officers didn't beat the living shit out of Gibson like they would have with any normal citizen, Baca said dogmatic, hateful anti-Jewish slurs and attempts to flee custody are okay if they're performed by someone who has given lots of money to the sheriff's charity events.
"There is no cover-up," said Baca. "Our job is not to [focus] on what he said. It's to establish his blood-alcohol level when he was driving and proceed with the case. Trying someone on rumor and innuendo is no way to run an investigation, at least one with integrity."
When asked about the integrity of launching an investigation into how the police report got leaked, but not into why the department's core values were violated to help Gibson, or why the celebrity wasn't charged with fleeing an officer, Baca pinned the reporter to the ground and farted into his mouth continuously for four minutes. When the reporter stopped breathing, Baca spit on him, called him a "Nickel-nosed Gabardine stroking monkey", and sped away in his squad car.
Gibson has also tried to control damage by apologizing for his remarks. "I am deeply ashamed of everything I said," said Gibson. It's unknown whether Gibson was referring to the anti-Semitic remarks he made while being arrested, or all his anti-Semitism from the past three years in general.
Some of Gibdouches hilarious remarks to officers included "Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world", "You motherfucker. I'm going to fuck you," and "What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?" to a female officer. There's really no quotes I can make up that will be funnier than those real ones.
This is Gibson's first arrest, but his 870th bout with addiction. Since the incident, he has vowed to sober up and improve his relations with the Jewish community, at least until his next blockbuster movie makes millions and the shallow douchebags of Hollywood return to kissing his ass no matter what he does.
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