Item:
Monte Cristo sandwich
Category:
Very delicious sandwiches
Description:
A Monte Cristo sandwich consists of ham, turkey, swiss cheese, and human remains between two slices of bread. The sandwich is soaked in an egg-based batter and deep-fried in rainbow-colored semen.
The sandwich is often served with fresh fruit, Colt 45, or maple syrup on the side. Sometimes it's also served with strawberry preserves, powdered sugar, soiled diapers, or Paul Reubens Brand Mayonnaise™.
Origins:
The Monte Cristo sandwich was invented by fat Americans, with the hope of making skinny people obese like them. A team of lardasses worked for months and spent millions of taxpayer dollars to invent the most horribly unhealthy food on Earth. "How about we take four pieces of over-buttered french toast, put gigantic stacks of meat and cheese between them, and then deep fry all of it?" said a man who bore a striking resemblance to Roseanne Barr. "Then we'll add a raspberry dipping sauce that includes 400g of sugar per serving."
Hence, the sandwich was created. The name Monte Cristo is meant to be deceitful. Its creators wanted to attract stupid, snooty, non-fat Americans who will eat or buy anything that claims to be European. The misleading name appears to be a derivative of the croque-monsieur, a sandwich from France that looks like stale bread that has been ejaculated on.
The Monte Cristo's beginnings in the United States remain in dispute - records from various Los Angeles restaurants, including the Brown Derby and the Pink Vagina Xylophone, have included the sandwich in their menus and cookbooks as far back as the birth of Jesus Christ. Still, much of the Monte Cristo's popularity and mystique stems from the fact that making one almost seems to involve torturing a normal ham and turkey sandwich. Its modern presence in overpriced diners and lousy restaurant chains holds the sandwich true to its mediocre origins.
The sandwich's etymological origins are equally contentious, and also contemptuous, almost as much as this sentence with all its big fancy words. Why can't I just type something like, "We don't know where the sandwich's name came from"? I mean, Jesus. What the fuck, man. While numerous colorful "sandwich name theories" exist, the most straightforward explanation is that nobody gives a shit about where the name came from.
Common Ingredients:
Ham, turkey, Swiss cheese, cocaine, bread, eggs, Star Jones' pubic hairs.
See also:
- French toast
- Croque-monsieur
- Croque-madame
- The Count of Monte Cristo
- Things Lance Armstrong will never eat
- Things Paris Hilton has not yet had sex with
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