Okay look, I have nothing against tourists. I'm fine with fat middle-agers who dress like mentally retarded people* and walk around taking pictures of uninteresting buildings. I can identify with losers who dress poorly. I'm not that far separated from them. But can someone please tell me why the hell tourists come to Los Angeles?
*The tacky vacation t-shirts, the khaki shorts, the tube socks? That's what mentally handicapped people wear! They don't wear nice things because their guardians know they'd just drool all over them and mess them up, but I'm not sure why middle-aged people wear the same outfits while on vacation.
Really! It's ridiculous! There's nothing to see here! L.A. is just a town where lots of people happen to live. There's nothing magical or exciting. The weather is nice, I understand that, but what the hell is there to see? There's no big buildings or interesting architecture, celebrities spend most of their time hiding from the public, and there's not many activities for out-of-towners to take part in here.
Sure, we have Disneyland and Universal Studios, but they're lame compared to amusement parks in Florida. Sure, we have all the major film and TV studios located here, but you can't see anything cool that happens. It's not like there's flamboyantly gay directors in funny hats prancing around the studio lots throwing glitter. The studios are just a bunch of bland office and warehouse-style buildings.
Sure, L.A. is near the ocean, but we have no legitimate scenery. Most of our city looks like a Mexican shantytown, and our beaches are very tame. Miami has great beaches. Go there. San Francisco has fantastic scenery. Go there. New York has huge buildings. Go there. Washington DC has more interesting homeless people. Go there. Las Vegas has tantalizing lights and gigantic casinos. Go there. Superior, WI has 30 bars on one street and a strip club that doesn't charge a cover. Go there.
The whole reason I moved to Los Angeles, aside from wanting to write for a living and live someplace where it's sunny every day, was to get the hell away from you, random person. I don't like you. I don't like people in general. I don't like anyone. I've lived in both big and small midwestern towns, and I hated all the people in them. I've visited east coast cities and states in the south, and I hated all the people there, too. To put it plainly, I'm a shallow, hateful S.O.B. who dislikes human beings, and that's why I love L.A. so much.
Everyone else who lives here hates human beings just as much, and we all share the belief that everyone who arrived here after us are total assholes. That guy from Ohio who moved in across the hall a week after I did? Complete asshole. Can't stand him. He never should have come here. That dude a few floors above me who moved here the same day I did, but arrived a few hours later than me? Total douche. I hope that carpetbagger gets hit by a bus.
You see, my touristy friends, people in other cities take pride in where they live. Here in L.A., we don't. To be honest, we're actually very proud to live here when no one's looking, but in public we act like we aren't, for one reason: To keep you away from here. Don't visit our city. We've spent decades ensuring that there's absolutely nothing interesting to see here just so everyone we ran away from when we moved won't come visit us. We even made it so none of the bars in town have signs out front. We're trying to hide the fun because we all hate you.
If you really want to spend the entire week of vacation you get every year stuck in traffic, then by all means come and visit, but don't complain if you have a bad time. We designed our town to spite you. We've taken our ball and gone home, and if you play in our clubhouse without moving into it, we'll make sure you don't have as much fun as us.
The previous message was paid for by the Los Angeles Visitors Bureau.
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