Wednesday, August 16, 2006
Internet humor columnist Paul Ryan has become a fat douche. Formerly a healthy 160 lbs, the 27-year-old has ballooned to 310 lbs. His ass is now too big for regulation airline seats. "It's for . . . um, it's for a movie role," said Ryan, who is not slated to appear in a movie anytime soon. "I'm . . . I'm doing a good job. I'm doing a really good job. God bless me."
Sources say Ryan eats two boxes of Count Chocula for breakfast, another for brunch, and three pounds of salted ham for lunch every day, along with a bathtub full of pudding for an afternoon snack, a live horse for dinner, and a family-size container of butter for his second dinner. "It's an important movie, it's . . . I'm being paid a lot of money for it," said Ryan, who is clearly not attractive or unattractive enough to be featured in a movie.
Lindsay Lohan is continuing her sideboob dominance among celebrities, showing the side of her boobs again this week, and causing many to wonder why she doesn't wear a bra. I mean, those are some big ones. She needs to keep them from going all Stretch Armstrong on her. "I hate to say it," said an onlooker, "but I don't really want to see them anymore. She's kind of gross now."
It turns out internet columnist Paul Ryan was getting fat for a reason, just not the reason he originally stated. Ryan gained weight not for a film, but for increased performance in a local farting contest. "We filmed it. It's a movie," said Ryan, who smells like used toilet paper. "We're gonna put it on YouTube. It's a movie. We filmed it. I'm the star."
The annual contest, held in 16-year-old Frankie Sherman's garage, often attracts as many as three contestants, with up to five people in the crowd watching. "I farted the best," said Ryan, who won the contest by a watery brown landslide. "I'm better than everyone. My aerated voids are so powerful, I have to take off my pants to compete."
Actor Luke Wilson wishes he wasn't so chubby right now. Actress Kate Hudson and husband Chris Robinson have split, leaving Hudson free to date other men. Wilson, who has pined after Hudson like a pathetic loser for the majority of his celebrity life, now kind of wishes he hadn't let himself go so much. "I'm pudgy and unappealing," he said. "But at least I'm not internet columnist Paul Ryan."
Paul Ryan's pancreas has committed suicide. "I give up!" said Ryan's pancreas as the internet columnist continues to gain weight. Ryan has become diabetic, an obvious side effect of his overeating. He said he plans to lose weight by forcing himself to defecate more often than usual.
Correction: It has come to our attention that Ryan became diabetic around the age of 12, not last week as we reported. Also, it seems our reporter made up the defecation part, though that weight-loss tactic is still used by Nicole Richie, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Mary-Kate Olsen, Kate Bosworth, Mischa Barton, Calista Flockhart, Keira Knightley, Lara Flynn Boyle, Victoria Beckham, Nicole Kidman, Kate Moss, Ellen Pompeo, Hilary Duff, Gwyneth Paltrow, Anna Kournikova, Teri Hatcher, Brittany Murphy, Jennifer Aniston, Renee Zellwegger, and Farty McDouchel. Our apologies for these minor errors.
A cartoon has claimed that Paris Hilton has crabs. I'm so tired of writing these gossipy excretions day after day. Has my life no purpose? I wanted to be a famous novelist, and now I'm writing about the contents of celebrity vaginas. Please kill me. Sincerely, Pathetic New York Post Gossip Writer Who Still Makes More Money Than You.
Internet columnist and convicted sex offender Paul Ryan is back down to his lean 160-pound frame, after only a week of dieting. Sources say he used tapeworms and "lots of vomiting" to accomplish the feat. "No liposuction for me!" said Ryan, who still smells like a 310-pound man. "I did it the natural way, through disease and self-abuse!"
Correction: It has come to our attention that Ryan is not yet a convicted sex offender, though he does look like one. Our apologies for this insignificant error.
Further Correction: It has come to our attention that we're not allowed to say that Paul Ryan looks like a child molester. Though he does. Our apologies for this harmless error.
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