Dearest readers, what I'm about to present to you is a wonderful opportunity. This is not fake. You can go to the Heinz website and order a bottle of ketchup with a personalized message on it. And if you're creative, you can make that message really, really dirty.
Granted, they won't let you use swear words, or the names of diseases like "herpes", or even childish phrases like "I farted blood" or "This has been inside my vagina". However, if you're creative you can use "hairy box" instead of vagina, and it will work. If your push the envelope too far, they'll let you know, like so:
From what I can tell, the words you can't use include fuck, shit, damn, ass, asshole, butthole, blood, fart, dildo, penis, dong, semen, vagina, anus, nipple, herpes, pussy, rimjob, crack, period, bitch, whore, cunnilingus, cum, God, goddamn, satan, honkey, jizz, cornhole, condom, balls, scrotum, prostitute, hooker, sex, sexual, sexy, orgy, orgasm, intercourse, pot, fat, turd, kill, murder, rape, fatass, Hunt's, tampon, ejaculate, and vulva.
The sometimes milder, yet often equally offensive terms you can use include peener, tool, hairy box, HIV, AIDS, scoliosis, poopy, shat, asshat, dick, chlamydia, butt, gas, menopause, Jesus Christ, fags, hump, tranny, transexual, chinamen, catholic, lutheran, jew, ugly, smelly, stinky, hairy, lardass, satanic, fuckstick, lube, impotence, viagra, marijuana, heroin, smack, douche, pedophile, and urethra.
That's what's so great. They neglected to block a lot of offensive terms. How naive of Heinz to trust its customers to be mature and sophisticated. It's not like their website's system isn't intelligent enough to recognize all the bad words possible. For instance, you can use the words "porch" or "monkey" separately, but not together. You can use the word "hunt", but not "Hunt's", one of Heinz's competitors.
But perhaps the greatest trick is if you include a dash or asterisk before or after a banned word, you can use it. So I can label the bottle "*BLOOD FROM MY VAGINA*", and the system will allow it. I give Heinz about a week before they realize they've been too lenient. Until then, order away! Get yourself that profane ketchup bottle you've always wanted! Below is just a taste of some of the dirty phrases that will work. Try them yourself!
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