The school year is starting soon, and though I'm old enough where I'll probably be arrested for loitering anywhere near a school, the Reader Weekly newspaper in Duluth, MN has demanded that I write a "back to school" column. Never mind that I'm 27 years old and completely out of touch with today's youth. The kids need advice, and it's my contractual duty to give it to them, even though the advice is lousy and will get them expelled.
Basic definitions
It's important to define a problem before advising on it, so here's some basic information. High school is a pointless four-year waiting room full of annoying, hateful people who are terrible at everything, especially relationships, sex, and basic conversation skills. Your life will not stop sucking until you leave high school. College is a series of large buildings that people wander around in while sleepy. College students are better at relationships, sex, and conversation, but not enough to keep you from having to drink heavily while engaging in any of these activities with them.
Challenges
High school is very easy. Complete your work on time and you'll get a good grade. High school teachers always grade on effort, never on talent or skill. Doing so would be hurtful to students who, as I mentioned before, pretty much suck at everything. So unless you're a complete boner, you can coast along and still earn a GPA high enough to get into a good college.
College is a trickier beast to tame. With only a few hours of classes each day, and very basic classes at first, college initially gives the illusion of being easy. That illusion will disappear the first day of your junior year, when you're welcomed to your new classes with two hours of daily homework and lectures that don't involve watching a movie. By the time you graduate, you'll be glad to get the hell out so you can focus on one profession instead of six different subjects at once.
Alcohol
Repeat after me: "Hard alcohol is not my friend." Beer is your friend. Wine is your friend. Wine coolers are your friend. Hell, even pre-mixed mudslides are your friend. But hard alcohol is a dangerous substance that is difficult to control. Every drink is mixed to a different potency, and it can be difficult to tell how drunk you'll soon be. One moment you're joyous and outgoing like a properly drunk person, and ten minutes later, without even drinking anything else, you're grabbing people's boobs without asking and vomiting at the base of a tree.
If I'd consumed beer instead of hard alcohol throughout college, I would have had just as much fun and would be able to erase nearly every embarrassing memory from those days. And trust me, there were a lot of embarrassing memories, like that time I made out with Duluth newscaster Dennis Anderson in a closet for seven minutes. His mustache tickles.
Drugs
Anything capable of instantly killing you, giving you flashbacks, or slowly making you lose your teeth should be avoided. This includes cocaine, heroin, crack, methamphetamines, acid, PCP, and Pixy Stix powder you plan to snort up your nose. You should also avoid ecstasy, because it's not 1997 anymore, you douchebag.
If you use marijuana, please don't discuss politics while under the influence. No one wants to listen to you ramble for two hours about why "The Man" doesn't want to make pot legal. We already know why: Because "The Man" would prefer not to have every coffee shop in the country smelling like your hair, which you haven't washed in two weeks. Moderation is the key with marijuana, my friends.
Money
You'll live off your parents in high school. You'll be poor in college. When you graduate, you'll be living off your parents again because you'll realize you picked the wrong major. A creative writing degree probably sounded profitable before it translated into a job as a cashier at Arby's. Wait, no. On second thought, it probably didn't.
Conclusion
Enjoying your school years involves a careful balance of having fun and fooling your teachers or professors into believing that you're not the type of person who has fun. If you can master that, you're ready to be successful in the real world, which pretty much involves the same skills.
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