- When you want to leave 00.01% of germs on your hands.
- After killing JonBenet Ramsey.
- When you pass out puking on the toilet, and wake up with your hands in the bowl.
- When you scratch your ass, and it makes your finger smell.
- After your creepy sex offender grandfather uses the family computer.
- After sneezing mucus onto your hands and wiping it on the carpet.
- When you want to trick your friends into thinking your hands are covered in semen.
- When you're too lazy to shower, but you want your body to smell like soap.
- When you want to discolor certain fabrics or surfaces in your house.
- When you want to pay $5 for a thimble full of soap.
- When you're over the age of six, and supervised by someone other than Paul Ryan.
- When you're hungry, but you've got a particular craving for isopropyl myristate.
- When you're a pathetic loser who can't go five minutes without washing their hands. Grow a pair, nancy!
- When you're too lazy to walk five feet to the damn bathroom, for crying out loud.
- When you want soap that, for some reason, can't be stored at temperatures over 100 degrees.
- When you want something you can easily mistake for KY jelly, with highly unpleasant results.
- When you'd like to murder a small household pet.
- When you'd like to sneak a small bit of soap into the movies, instead of buying overpriced soap at the concession stand.
- When you're an obsessive-compulsive psychopath who has to touch the doorknob four times before entering a room, but also has to clean their hands in between each time. Like Jessica Alba. God, what a huge bitch.
- When you got a bottle for free as part of a promotion, and you're trying it out, even though you think it's stupid.
- After sleeping with a hobo.
- After giving a handjob to Bruce Willis.
- After giving a rimjob to your father.
- After reading this column.
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