It was a typical Saturday for Frank Ganrude. After spending the morning working on his car, chewing tobacco, and thinking about manly things like motor boating, he tagged along with his wife to the local IKEA store. "At least it's not 'Bed, Bath and Beyond'," he thought to himself.
Today Frank wishes it had been.
"I was wanderin' around trying to find the food court while my wifey looked at discounted fake rugs, discounted fake wooden furniture, and overpriced chairs so ugly that even Swedes wouldn't buy them," said Frank. "I got lost in a dark corner of the bargain basement, and some guy jumped out of the shadows and raped me."
Frank was attacked by "a gay", defined by Webster's Collegiate Dictionary as "A man with a lisp who shops at IKEA with other men who have lisps." This is not the first gay raping reported in IKEA stores. Gay men everywhere love IKEA, and a sinister few have used the complicated layout of the stores to deflower straight men's virgin buttholes.
"I wouldn't have come to IKEA if I knew I was gonna be raped," said Frank. "At least not by a guy that ugly. He was obese and had a very small penis. Very disappointing. Nothing to get excited about in the least."
Since the first American IKEA location opened in 1985, many people have complained about the bizarre layout, which forces customers to zig zag through the entire store and walk all the way to the basement just to get to a register. Frank hopes this latest incident of cornholing will convince IKEA employees that it's time to make changes.
"I understand it probably hurts less each time you do it, but damn," said Frank. "I can hardly sit down on my tooker without feelin' like I still got somethin' up there. Y'know how people who lose limbs have phantom pains? Well I reckon I gots me some phantom penis up in my keister."
Will Frank ever be able to sit on his anus again? Physical therapists are too busy laughing to comment.
"A gay got me! Ahhhh, my asshole!" yelled IKEA store manager Earl Rounds, demonstrating what customers should yell if a gay man ravishes them. Crisis training has begun at IKEA, just days after other safety measures were implemented. These improvements include brighter lights in bargain basements, the removal of complimentary anal lube from the front of the store, and a greeter at the store entrance who asks male customers if they're planning to defile other men's anuses while shopping.
The measures have mostly resulted in fistfights.
"We're trying our best, but there's only so much we can do," said Bernie Beaner, regional manager of IKEA. "Sure, we could make the layout safer and simpler to navigate, so you could buy one item without spending 40 minutes in the store, but then we wouldn't be Swedish, now would we?"
Frank doesn't think these efforts are enough.
"They need to clear out a corner of the bargain basement for a bathhouse where gay men can prey on each other," said Frank, drool forming at the corner of his mouth. "And they . . . they shouldn't allow any cameras around there. Just in case other people wanna stop by and see how things are. Y'know, like, just curious people who are maybe kinda bored with their wife."
The Homoerotic Center for Diversity is outraged by the bad publicity Frank has brought to the gay and lesbian movement. The organization is afraid the general public will develop a negative view of all gay people.
"We brainstormed for a while about this, and we've come to a decision," said Mike Setter, president of the HCD. "To combat this injustice, we're going to hold a pride parade."
"Oh, we always hold a damn parade!" said Dennis Dempton, vice president of the HCD. "Why do we always hold a parade to combat homophobia? Can't we protest or do something everyone in the community can take part in?"
"I love a parade! You're a beast!" squealed Setter.
"You know what's going to happen!" squealed Dempton. "It'll start out as a parade, and by the time it's done, half of us will be in thongs and assless chaps, drunk and screaming about penises!"
"Don't straight people like that?"
"No."
"Really? You're sure?"
"They're not fond of it."
"Have you asked them? Maybe you should ask them and give them a hug afterward?"
"Why the hell would I do that?"
"It'd be polite. I love being polite."
"You're so adorable!"
"No, you're adorable! I wish one of us was a bottom instead of a top!"
Our apologies. This column has been halted for the following reasons: A) It would be difficult at this point to write a satisfying ending to this horrible, horrible schlockery, B) A representative from GLAAD talked to me about how wrong this column was, and gave me a hug afterward, and C) I now feel I've properly gotten regular reader Dennis back for all the times he's made fun of my shaggy hair on this website. Take that, douche!
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