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Your personalized horoscopes for Wednesday, September 13

by Paul Ryan
Wednesday, Sept. 13, 2006


Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
I know you may be young, but you've got feelings, too. You need to do what you feel like doing. So let them go and listen. All those people look at you like you’re a little girl. Did they ever think it’d be okay for you to step into this world?

Pisces (2/19-3/20)
When you were a little boy in grammar school, you always went by the very best rule. But every time the bell would ring, they’d catch you playing with your ding-a-ling.

Aries (3/21-4/19)
You remember. You remember when you lost your mind. There was something so pleasant about that place. Even your emotions had an echo in so much space. When you're out there without a care, you’re out of touch. It wasn't because you didn't know enough. You just knew too much. Does that make you crazy? Does that make you crazy? Does that make you crazy? Possibly.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)
You’re ready to attack, to lead the pack. You’re going to get a touchdown and take them out. That's right. Put your pom-poms down and get everybody fired up. A few times you’ve been around that track, and it's not just going to happen like that. You are not no hollaback girl. You are not no hollaback girl.

Gemini (5/21-6/21)
There are things you guess and things you know. There are boys you can trust and girls you don't. There are little things you hide and little things you show. Sometimes you think you're going to get it, but you don't. That's just the way it goes. I want your sex. I want you. I want your sex.

Cancer (6/22-7/22)
Get out of his dreams and into his car. Get into the back seat, baby. Get into his car. Beep Beep. Yes.

Leo (7/23-8/22)
Your girl wants to party all the time. Party all the time. Party all the time. Your girl wants to party all the time? Party all the time. She parties all the time.Whoo. She likes to party all the time. Whoo. She likes to party all the time. All the time. Party. She likes to party all the time. Whoo.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)
As the drinks start pouring and your speech starts slurring, everybody starts looking really good. But you’re like, "Get up/out of my face before I turn around and spray your ass with mace." Oh shit. How come every time they come around, your London bridge wants to go down? Aahdadadadadodododo. Oh shit.

Libra (9/23-10/22)
You let her walk away. Now it just doesn’t feel the same. You’ve got to blame it on something. Blame it on the rain that was falling. Blame it on the stars that shine at night. Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you. Blame it on the rain.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)
I'm telling you to loosen up my buttons, baby. Uh huh. But you keep fronting, saying what you’re going to do to me. Uh huh. But I have not seen nothing. You say you are a big boy, but I can't agree.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)
If it's over, let it go. Come tomorrow, it will seem so yesterday. So yesterday. You’re just a bird that’s already flown away. Laugh it off. Let it go and when you wake up, it will seem so yesterday. So yesterday. Haven't you heard that you’re going to be okay?

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)
Do you smell that? What's that? I smell pussy. Is that you, Irv? I smell pussy. Is that you, Ja? I smell pussy. Is that you, Black? I smell pussy. Is that you, Tah? All of you negroes are pussy.

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 Reader Comments
page:   1
JD     Dec 18, 2006 • 9:30am  
wow im sensing alot of anger from the readers here....pritty damn random column here...hehe i luv it
8berse6     Sep 20, 2006 • 12:20am  
Hey Paul, where is my fucking column? Seriously, it's September 19th now, it is fucking Tuesday and I haven't had my laughs yet, I'm in a bad mood, and when I'm in a bad mood, people in Asia die of SARS (yes, I've been depressed for a long time now).
8berse6     Sep 17, 2006 • 12:14am  
You were probably drunk when you read it the first time Tony.
Tony     Sep 15, 2006 • 3:39pm  
Hey! You changed it. Fuckface.
8berse6     Sep 15, 2006 • 12:30am  
No, he didn't!
Tony     Sep 14, 2006 • 4:14pm  
You spelled Wednesday wrong.
8berse6     Sep 14, 2006 • 12:19am  
Hey, I'm cancer too.

I propose that we reserect Milli Vanilli jokes, all in favor?
Katers     Sep 13, 2006 • 2:51pm  
I can't believe you included the lyrics to the horrid song "London Bridge" (aka Slut Anthem) in here, in addition to Hilary's Duff lyrics and some "Blame it on the Rain" which I believe is Milli Vanilli or some crazy shit like that.
Katers     Sep 13, 2006 • 2:48pm  
Whoo hoo! My horoscope (cancer) is the lyrics to a cheesy 80s song! *jamming*
page:   1