Hello. I'm Smith, a man who works for a paper company but commits robberies on the side. My boss is a coward who suspects me of doing illegal things, but for some reason never does anything about it. He also allows me to go missing for days at a time with no repercussions.
The view out my office window is one of the most horrendous examples of CGI that Hollywood has ever attempted. It's not even the correct angle scenery would be at when looking at it out the window.
It's difficult to watch me, because every camera shot is lengthy and complicated. The random boring items around where I'm walking are highlighted more than I am. The director of photography is a 14-year-old boy with ADD.
My robberies are boring. Apparently, creating a diversion in the street outside of an art gallery distracts the guards inside as well. They never see us coming, even though we're wearing Phantom of the Opera masks and carrying large assault rifles.
My robbery will earn my friends and I a mere $2 million. Split five ways, that's only $400,000 each for successfully stealing some of the most famous paintings in the world. After the cost of our airfare, weapons, boat, exploding car to block police, and other major expenses, we will probably make very little profit from the robbery.
The first episode of the show has sideboob in it for no apparent reason. Apparently, sideboob is now okay on network television.
Speaking of boobs, Amy Smart creates the diversions outside the buildings. She's very pretty, but you'll only see her face when there's fake blood smeared all over it. The rest of the time you'll mainly see her legs or gams, because apparently gam shots are creative and sexy. Somehow, she never gets caught during our robberies. The police never notice that the blood on her face is fake, and they always allow her to walk off without questioning, even though she came running down the street covered in blood and screaming.
After our robberies, investigators will walk around the crime scene and say things like, "Whoever planned this, that's the one we want." That's funny, you'd figure the cops would be more interested in catching the one who shot their fellow officer to death.
As a viewer, you'll see the robbery scene, go back in time, and then see a slightly less boring version of the robbery scene again at the end of the show. Because that's what Tarantino would do if there's anything that makes the climax of an action show better, it's recycled footage.
One of my friends will die during the robbery. Sad indie music that was hip a year ago will be played to tug on people's heartstrings. Unfortunately, no one will care because the character was generic and underdeveloped in the first place.
At the end of the show, I will stare at one of my kids while they're sleeping, and everyone watching will yawn and change the channel to some tired reality show that was pitched by an executive whose suit is more valuable than their ideas.
Paul, on the other hand, will turn off his TV until the following Monday, when he watches another episode of "Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip", a well-written show that doesn't need sideboob or fancy tricks.
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