I'm not much of a church guy. If you gave me a choice between attending an hour-long sermon or eating rat poison, ten minutes later you'd find me dead next to a box of d-Con. There are certain people who don't fit in well at church, and it's not just criminals, perverts, and Luciferians. It's also normal people like me.
Though to be fair, I am kind of a pervert.
The main reason I avoid church is because I dislike the mixture of politics and religion, but there's smaller reasons as well. For instance, the singing. Most church services involve singing. Granted, it's only short hymns, but there's usually 3-5 of them in each weekly service. So in my eyes, asking me to join a church is like asking me to attend a musical every week for the rest of my life. I hate musicals. I'm willing to force many things into my lifestyle to become a better person, but musicals are not one of them.
The only way I'll watch a musical is if it gets a girl I'm dating in the mood, and I have yet to meet a girl who's sexually aroused by church. Jesus may be bringing back quite a few things when he returns, but "the sexy" is not one of them.
Another thing that keeps me from going to church is pastors who insist on including "The Lord" at least twice in every sentence they say. "The Lord has blessed us with this beautiful sunny day." "The Lord has certainly been generous today! These biscuits turned out perfect!" "I'm glad the mechanics were able to fix your car. The Lord is truly watching over you." Y'know what? In order for me to respect The Lord, I need to believe that He has more important things to do than make sure mechanics fix someone's rusty fartmobile. And more importantly, inserting The Lord into conversations is like inserting Simpsons quotes into conversations. If it's not done in moderation, it gets annoying.
A third problem I have with church is the people who touch me. No, that's not a molestation joke. People who work at churches, especially pastors, tend to be very touchy-feely. I know it's easier to feel close to someone if they pat you on the shoulder or physically connect to you in some way while talking to you, but I don't like people touching me. It creeps me out. My comfort bubble is about 20 feet around me in all directions, and I'm not interested in making it smaller. Quit touching me, weirdos.
Here's a few other areas where churches can improve themselves. Children: I know church is supposed to be a family thing, but can't there be a few adult-only churches where I can let the expletives fly while praising The Lord? Freebies: Complimentary Diet Coke won't hurt the turnout, and neither will free t-shirts that I can use to dust my apartment or check the oil in my car. Mustaches: While I love a good 'stash as much as the next person, isn't there a single church in this country where the pastor isn't a balding guy with a mustache?
All kidding aside, the main problem with church services is they just don't inspire me. Maybe I'm too picky, but if I'm going to attend something meant to enlighten me, I'd sure as hell better feel at least partly enlightened when it's done. Instead, I just sit there bored, feeling guilty every time I check my watch. I think that's the reason most people don't attend church anymore. Some church leaders would have us believe that it's our fault for not being interested, but is it really? It's not my job to make church relevant. Relate to me, or I'll just stay home and watch football. With my pants off. While drinking scotch. And surfing the internet for used automobiles.
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