Don't mock me, reader. I'm sure you're feeling a bit uppity with your home-cooked meals, expensive steaks, or $12 vegetarian dinners that include 60 cents worth of vegetables, but I'm a simple man. Sometimes I just like to eat cereal for dinner.
Sometimes I like to eat cereal for dinner two or three nights in a row.
Don't give me that look. I can eat whatever I want. I'm a grown man! Big and strong like a monkey! Besides, what are you gonna do about it? This isn't gay marriage or the legal drinking age, reader. The government can't force me to obey everyone else's misinformed opinions on the matter.
This is an important lesson for you kids out there. My entire life, people have told me not to eat cereal for dinner. Then I did it, and you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. So I ate cereal for dinner two nights in a row, and you know what happened? Absolutely nothing. Then I got cocky and said, "Why the hell not," and I ate cereal for dinner three nights in a row, and you know what lesson I learned? None whatsoever. I didn't learn a lesson at all, because nothing bad happened. If I learned anything, it's that there's no better feeling than breaking someone else's pointless rules.
Contrary to popular parental scare tactics, it's perfectly fine to eat the same meal every night for dinner, even when said meal is basically solidified sugar. Everyone acts like the human body is fragile and weak, but it's not. The human body is a mean S.O.B. that can take harsh abuse and recover quickly. Too much sugary cereal only makes me stronger inside. There are no ill effects.
What's that? Of course my stool was orange this morning. It's always orange. Why, is that bad?
Look, I don't hassle you about all the weird things you do, like holding a steady job or eating at Hardee's. Let me ruin my life in the same way everyone else ruins theirs: In the most enjoyable way they can think of. Some people drink too much, while others smoke crack. I eat cereal for dinner, drink too much, and smoke crack, but that's only because I'm very, very talented at all three of those things.
At least I don't watch "Laguna Beach" on MTV. Really, what's more disturbing? People who eat cereal for dinner, or people who gawk at underage high school girls in swimsuits slapping each other around? I thought so.
I'm not a high priest of any religion, or president of any influential organization, or a mayor who drives drunk, but I say we should declare Saturday, October 14 as the national "Eat Cereal For Dinner Day". Let's get local restaurants to offer cereal for dinner on that day. Granted, they'll all probably use the occasion to overcharge you for generic Crunch Berries, but it's the idea that's important, not the money.
Screw it. I'm underemployed, and money is important. Why even eat at a restaurant? This sort of holiday seems custom-tailored for people who refuse to leave their house on weekends. It's a weekend day! Why waste time on anyone or anything but yourself? Sleep late, eat some cereal, watch a bunch of Steve Guttenberg movies on TBS, eat a few peanut butter sandwiches, watch college football, eat some cereal, and then fall asleep immersed in a trashy radius of your own decadence.
Don't get me wrong. If you like to do physical things and eat healthy, feel free to stick with that lifesytle. Just make sure to eat some cereal for dinner. Grape Nuts taste like gravel to me, but to each their own. The greatest part about this idea is there's a cereal for everyone.
So remember to eat cereal for dinner on October 20. Spread the word, my brethren. I think it's a pretty brilliant idea, but then again, I always. think my ideas are brilliant. Arrogance is another of my many vices.
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