Gasp! What a glorious day! Ooooh, I'm so happy! Let's play pinochle using only our feet! Pppppppppfffffftttttthhhhhh, I'm an airplane fueled by feelings!
Look at that stapler! What a glorious stapler! I'll bet I could staple through a stack of papers higher than The Great Pyramid of Giza! It's a real pyramid! I didn't make it up! It's the biggest pyramid in the world, and was designed by Hemon the vizier! Wheeeeeeeeeee, I'm a horse-drawn cart full of strawberries!
Look at that glorious copy machine! I'll bet I could make a smooshy copy of my butt with it! Yay, I can! I'll bet I could make 547 copies, one for everyone in Colkirk, England! Time me? Ready, go! Toooooooooooooooooooot, I'm a tugboat that pulls marmalade pie to Leprechaun Island!
Holy hot toddies for breakfast! Look at that glorious secretary! She sure does a sufficient job! I bet she'd throw me through the window to my demise if I asked for her number! *Crash* Ahhhhhhhhhhhh! My stomach is full of rainbow-colored abortions!
Look, it's Mark Foley! What a glorious talent he has for instant messaging teenage boys! If you gave him a supercomputer, I'll bet he could message all the little boys in your neighborhood in five minutes! Faaaaarrrrrrtttttt, I'm a Ford F-150 made of marshmallows and glitter!
Look, it's North Korea! They're testing a nuclear bomb in a pathetic attempt to remain relevant! How glorious of them! I'll bet if they tried real hard, they could misfire everything into the ocean, just like in their past missile tests! Hey China, quit having babies and deal with it! You're closest! Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbth! I'm a microwave full of newborn kittens!
Hey, it's Mel Gibson again! GO AWAY ALREADY.
Hey look, it's the upcoming election! What a glorious time for change! Oh, wait! I forgot! There's no moderates to vote for, only hard-line radicals, just like always! A smart person once said both Republicans and Democrats should be centrists and somewhat similar in their views, each reflecting a desire to bring improvements for all, with slight differences. That way if one candidate abuses their power, they can be easily replaced in the next election without an overwhelming shift in policy. Boooooooooom! I'm a bus full of fringe-dwelling "activists", falling off a cliff into a ravine full of teddy bear farts!
Holy throngs of glory! Is that columnist Paul Ryan walking around naked in public? Ha ha! He's a disease to this column!
Great tidal waves of freedom! When did the mail stop arriving on Columbus Day? What a gloriously pointless holiday! I want my copy of Ranger Rick, you fuckers!
Look, it's the Reader Weekly newspaper! I bet they'd publish anything I write, no matter how ridiculous! How glorious of them to put so much misguided trust in me! WaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaBOOM, I'm a pelican with lockjaw! Feed me fish through my eyes!
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