Dear Abby and I are very similar. We wake up every morning, comb our mannish hairstyles, sit at our desks and read letters from morons, and then tell people the truth. We just have different ways of delivering the truth. Dear Abby is polite and matronly, while I'm a total asshole.
Y'know what's odd, though? Our advice is nearly identical. Take one of her most recent columns, for instance. Without even reading her responses beforehand, I gave essentially the same advice. The difference is she's too easy on people, allowing them to continue depending on stupid advice columns, self-help books, and horoscopes to run their lives, while I take their poo and rub it in their faces, ensuring they'll never drop messes where they shouldn't again. Compare Abby's responses from the link to mine below:
My sister, "Earline," seems not to really care about family that much. She does drugs and sells them. My family and I just bailed her out of jail. I took my entire paycheck, my brother lent his entire paycheck, and our mom gave the last couple of hundred bucks she had to her name. Earline promised to pay us all back when she got home. (She was arrested out of state.)
We spent well over $1,000 getting her out, and she has been back for two weeks and hasn't repaid any of us. I have an 8-month-old baby to support. This isn't the first time - this has been going on for years, and I mean years. What should I say to Earline to get our money back, and so she'll stop doing this? She has two kids who live with my parents.
- Needs the Money in Chillicothe, Ohio
Dear Abby:
First of all, "Earline"? Really? That's the best fake name you could think up? Is your sister a hearing aide manufacturer? Are you 107 years old, and were the two of you born in a cotton gin? And what's with your shitty acronym? It isn't the least bit amusing or entertaining. Make an effort, asshole.
Secondly, If you and your brother's paychecks plus your mom's life savings equals $1,000, you need to find new jobs. People who wipe up pee for a living make more than you. Maybe your sister sells drugs because she she doesn't want to live in a toilet house like yours. And why the hell do you keep bailing her out? Are you stupid? Let the bitch rot in jail. You're dumb, and in order to fix your problem, you need to stop being dumb. You're welcome.
I have a sister-in-law who constantly refers to my brother as "my husband" instead of by his name. I find it so irritating. I feel the term "my husband" should be relegated to the doorman or the cleaners around the corner, as in: "My husband will pick this up this afternoon." It shuts me out and sounds pompous. Am I wrong?
- "Garth's" Sister in New Jersey
Dear Abby:
You stupid fucking old bat. You know what I find irritating? I find you irritating, Bossy McBosserson. I realize the only people who read Dear Abby are 90-year-old prudes who haven't been laid since telephone numbers got area codes, but stop your bitching and get a life. The only thing that sounds pompous is you. Not to repeat myself, but you're dumb, and in order to fix your problem, you need to stop being dumb. Also, your acronym is boring and doesn't refer to a sexual act. Fix it.
I am married to a wonderful woman, but something has been bothering me since we have been together. I am not as honest as I should be in our relationship. We have had money problems pretty much since our marriage began. I have a spending problem, and I lie to her about where the money goes. I have been doing better, but I still want to spend money we do not have.
I do not spend money on drugs, prostitutes or clothes, but rather on plastic models and other hobby-related items. How do I stop spending and lying to my wife about it?
- Sick of the Lying in Oklahoma
Dear Abby:
Um, just stop spending and lying to your wife. What am I, your mother? Maybe if you spent more money on drugs, you'd stop being such a douchebag and realize that "hobby-related items" are for fucking dorks. Seriously, what the hell is wrong with Dear Abby's readers? Why are they all so goddamn creepy? Are you sure you're even married, SLO? Are you sure you're not a 40-year-old who lives with his mother and plays with model trains in her basement? Untuck your wiener from between your legs and give your wife a reason to shave her legs.
And what the hell is with the useless acronym? How many fucking times do I need to scold you people until you give me something I can work with? SLO isn't funny! Try "Problem Undermines Steady Security in Yokeltown". It fits you, PUSSY. It fits you even better than celibacy and suicide.
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