The hopes of independent candidate Paul Ryan were dashed today as polls revealed he trails other candidates by a startling 100 percentage points in the Minnesota governor race. As recently as a month ago, Ryan was predicted* to win by a landslide. Ryan says unethical attack ads from competitors ruined his chances.
*Paul Ryan predicted he would win the race. No one else did.
Last month it was revealed that Ryan is diabetic. Almost immediately, Republican Tim Pawlenty and Democrat Mike Hatch ran ads pointing out this human defect. Ryan claims the ads are slanderous, but Pawlenty and Hatch say it's not slander if it's the truth.
"These ads bring up legitimate issues," said Hatch. "What if Paul Ryan gets high blood sugar and doctors have to amputate his foot? My friend knew this old lady who was diabetic and lost her foot, from poor circulation or something. People with diseases are weird."
"It's not slander, it's survival," said Pawlenty. "Everyone's going to point out my flaws, so it's only fair to point out theirs first. And besides, the public needed to be warned. What if Paul Ryan's bitter about not being able to eat candy, and decides to cancel Halloween? Diabetics are crazy when their blood sugar gets low. Crazy."
Ryan is suing both Pawlenty and Hatch for libel. If the state processes the paperwork quickly, Ryan's lawsuit could be tried as soon as nine months after election day. In the meantime, Hatch and Pawlenty are getting in as many shots as possible.
"When Paul Ryan's blood sugar gets high," says Hatch, "it causes him to go to the bathroom incessantly. Do we really want Paul Ryan, a guy who can't control his bowel movements, visiting with dignitaries or even regular citizens? Paul Ryan's diabetes problem almost seems partly mental. I'm no doctor, but Paul Ryan may be mentally ill."
It didn't take long before constituents were asking similar questions.
"That guy's scary," said Hibbing resident Erin Brown. "I heard he just goes to the bathroom wherever he wants, like he can't even control it. That's so gross."
"I heard he's mentally ill or something," said Richfield resident John Davenport. "Even if he's not, I'm not voting for somebody with a disease."
The ads don't focus entirely on the side effects of Ryan's mysterious, creepy disease, which requires him to use needles like an AIDS-infected drug addict. They also bring up other issues that Pawlenty and Hatch feel might concern people.
"He's single," said Pawlenty. "What kind of a grown man doesn't have a wife? I'll tell you what kind: A pedophile. I'm not saying Paul Ryan's a pedophile, but if Paul Ryan were a pedophile, one who wanted to pull your kids into his van during their walk home from school, he could probably get away with it for a while before anyone knew he was doing it."
"Is diabetes contagious? I don't know," said Hatch. "But I don't want to find out. If it is contagious, through open sores on his hands or something, I wouldn't want to be the poor handshaker who has to start using a measuring cup to see how much spaghetti he can eat. That's what diabetics do. They put spaghetti in a measuring cup before they eat it, to make sure they don't eat too much. They're so creepy."
With only 0% of the vote in his favor, Ryan has stopped campaigning. He says it's horrible how politics have become so poisonous that candidates without major party support can be slandered without an equal chance to fight back.
"It's shameful," said Ryan. "I didn't deserve the public's scorn. Sure, I wanted to double property taxes, legalize methamphetamines, get rid of Amber Alert, and ban all forms of agriculture in the state, but I deserved a chance. Also, I don't live in the state, which was kind of a problem, but I was going to make everyone's dreams come true, but now that hope is dead."
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