Editor's Note: This article was originally printed in the March 1922 edition of "Farty McFinkelstein's Journal of Opinion", a popular publication of the time.
While it is cordial to remove one's hat upon accessing an elevator, I dare say that nothing quivers my timbers more than a derby creviced into my buttocks. Such an impious event nearly occurred at my place of vocation. Doffing one's hat may be polite, but it's not gentlemanly to the gent in front of you.
The practice has become a nuisance, a menace far greater than the red menace, which we have all vaguely begun to fear but will later fear even more heartily before we're freed from it by the 40th president of these united states! Alas, until then, I will insist on gerrymandering man's derbies from my fleshly caboose!
Why, just the other day, Mr. Spankers McDonald of 24 Wilshire Street saw his hat crushed by well-meaning strangers crowding the lift-pull machine. A hat bought for naught! Wherever shall he encounter the 32 cents required for a replacement? Other gentlemen of the utmost propriety have found their spectacles forcibly removed by rogue hat taking offing. This must cease!
Before long, an entire derby may part someone's buttocks and forcibly press itself into service, as the boys down at the docks are partial to saying. If the doffing of derbies in lift-pull machines is not halted, I fear a great collection of arses shall pay the piper. Arses that are but our own!
Solution the first! Ban women from elevator operator positions. Our engagement of womenfolk has merely been a courtesy extended to matrons too hideous to find a mate. Nevermore! Send them back to the brothels for blind cripples to enjoy! In addition, all secretarial womenfolk shall take the stairs. It will help trim the fat off their gams.
Solution the second! Employ dwarfs to take the place of all womenfolk in the workplace. Men cannot morally or ethically do demeaning jobs like secretarial work or lift-pull machinery operation, but midgets, being inferior to regular folk in all ways, can fill the role. If they turn surly, light them on fire and cast them down the rubbish shoot like a sack of soiled britches!
Solution the third! Retain the womenfolk, but eliminate the cordial habitude of hat doffing in lift-pull contraptions. If the more traditional of us wish to still show courtesy to the "dames" or "broads" (as the boys down at the docks are partial to saying) in our employment, whisk them to the nearest stock closet and ravish them with your penal extrusion.
Capt. W.P. Vagina, president of the Man Hat Chivalry Association, has already commenced the spreading of this news. He, gentlemanly and scholarly as he is, understands that if derbies are to continue unfettered by crushing and buttocks adjoining, process must be swift. Cease this derby doffing post haste, dear fellows, or face the unsympathetic squeeze from Vagina's vast proportions.
Until this botheration is expelled, free onions shall not lure any of you to the break room again.
 |
- Digg this! - | Mail me - | Recommend - | Donate - |  |
Advertisements
| ||||||||
| ||||||||
| ||||||||
| ||||||||