People don't read websites as often as they used to. Nowadays, if people want jokes about diarrhea provided by a mean-spirited writer's persona, they get it from morning radio shows. Daily Ramblings is an old-time business. You don't hear my voice, I don't use fancy farting sound effects, and I don't have a co-host whose only job is to laugh at everything I say. These limitations hurt my business.
While Daily Ramblings still has an impressive readership of nearly five people per day, sales have fallen 14 percent this year and ad revenue is down 5.7 percent. Luckily, my parent company has come up with a new revenue stream to make up for these losses. We're going to open some motherfucking steakhouses.
That's right, Daily Ramblings steakhouses! Because if there's one thing America needs more of, it's overpriced steakhouses! Never mind that restaurants are the type of businesses that fail most often. Our steakhouses are geared specifically for the generation that connects with Daily Ramblings, the generation that likes to eat things and sometimes do stuff after they eat things.
Unlike other steakhouses, which cater to middle-aged douchebags who like to sit on the toilet for four hours after eating, mine is aimed at social 20-to-30-something men who like hitting the clubs. If I find out one of my customers goes home and falls asleep instead of banging a hot slut he met at a bar, I'll never let that person eat at my steakhouses again.
Here at Daily Ramblings, I represent a certain lifestyle, and I know that translates. People want to connect with that lifestyle in different ways. In the past, I've put the Daily Ramblings stamp on shower curtains and furniture, and I have plans to build a Daily Ramblings casino in Las Vegas. The casino will be shaped like a vagina.
The 15 steakhouses I'm building across the nation are the next step in helping people connect with my lifestyle. I wouldn't be surprised if my steakhouse debut was in one of America's trendy hot spots, like New York, Miami, or Chaska, MN.
What will I name these steakhouses? Daily Ramblings Prime. It sounds like a name thought up by someone with a bad hangover who just wanted to go back to his office and sit in the dark for a while, but it's not. It's a great name that took me months of market research to approve. Daily Ramblings Prime. Perhaps it'll make the customers feel a little more prime themselves.
Ha ha. That's a joke. I'm witty.
But don't worry, ladies. These steakhouses are for you as much as the men. I know this website tends to be aimed at men, with all the jokes about farting, beer, and pooping in people's mouths while they're asleep. But rest assured that my steakhouses won't have scantily-clad waitresses. That's low-class. I'm a high-class guy, so while I'll be using the same prejudiced "hot chicks only" requirement for waitresses, they will be fully clothed. That way they'll seem like hot chicks you could actually have a chance of banging.
The plan is in motion. If all goes well, by the end of the year my 15 Daily Ramblings steakhouses will turn into 4,700 steakhouses across the nation. Classy steakhouses with sexy ladies who have clothing on, because that's what classy places have. I'm gonna make these steakhouses so damn classy that none of the people who actually read Daily Ramblings (Balding fratboys who brag about sex more often than they actually have it) are going to actually feel comfortable eating there.
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