Tomorrow's election is very important. Tomorrow's election will be a mirror of our nation's perspective. Tomorrow's election is far too time consuming for me to pay attention to. You, I imagine, feel the same way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm excited by the high stakes of tomorrow's election, but in these busy, complicated times, where long commutes stretch our work hours to 10 or more per day, it's hard to do enough research to write an educational article. Luckily, I'm a former journalist, so I'm well trained in the art of making sweeping generalizations. And that's exactly what I'm going to do.
But isn't it scary how accurate these generalizations are? No matter where you live, or what your views are, I can almost guarantee that you'll hate every candidate listed on the ballot. And even if you like one, they'll probably be arrested for molesting children three weeks before election day.
So for all you lazy motherfuckers busy people who didn't have a chance to look over your local race's candidates, here's a handy guide that pretty much covers every Senate, House, and governor race in the country:
Democrats:
Their intentions seem really great, until about a year after you elect them. That's when they start requiring annual smog checks for your car and earmarking millions of taxpayer dollars for windmills that produce enough electricity each day to power a cellphone for three seconds.
Also, 90% of them will embarrass you when they try to sympathize with left-wing extremists. Much like Republicans and the religious right, Democrats don't believe in anything their extremist counterparts say, but they'll still stump for them enough to make you ashamed to be a member of the party.
Examples: Al Gore, John Kerry.
Republicans:
This party used to be known for reducing government control, but they've now completely reversed that philosophy, interfering with every aspect of your life. From your bedroom to your workplace, they'll have a say in everything you do. Want to wipe your ass while sitting on the toilet instead of standing up? That's immoral, you bastard. God hates you.
They'll also give most of your tax money to wealthy people, who will use it to tip you poorly when you park their car.
Examples: George W. Bush, Tim Pawlenty.
Hippie Independents:
While hippies paved the way to racial equality, now that they've run out of important things to protest, they're just kind of annoying and unnecessary. Even if you do agree with their priorities (Curbing the use of SUVs is more important than reducing the national debt?), your vote will be wasted because only 10% of the population is ridiculous enough to share their major views.
Examples: Ralph Nader, David Cobb.
Libertarian Independents: Are you bitter about everything in today's government? Do you blindly refuse to acknowledge the good points in either major party? If you publicly reject the image of greedy, selfish republicans, but still secretly believe poor people who need help should be thrown down a well, then congratulations, you're a Libertarian.
In 20 years, you'll probably replace the Republican party. Unfortunately, by then your party will have become just as corrupt. The change is already starting.
Examples: Michael Badnarik, Harry Browne.
Perfect candidate: Almost every race seems to have one independent candidate who is perfect in every way. Their views are centrist, their goals are realistic and well-planned, and their ambition is 100% authentic and pure. Unfortunately, nobody knows who the hell they are because they refuse to align with even the second-rate parties. Even if all the candidates in the other four classifications die in a plane crash, these perfect candidates will still lose to write-ins for Mickey Mouse.
Examples: Peter Hutchinson, Paul C Ryan.
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