Today is a glorious day for my ego, reader. I've been voted as the best at something. I've always secretly known that I'm the best at everything, even things I'm not good at or have never attempted before, but this is the first time someone else has actually said I'm good at something. Yes reader, I've been voted as the "Best Community Activist" in Northern Minnesota.
It should probably be noted that I only received one vote, and am therefore not the winner in the category. However, one vote technically still counts as "being voted as the best". By one person. Right? I already added it to my resume, so I hope so.
The Reader Weekly - a small alt-weekly newspaper I write for - holds an annual "best of" survey, where they ask readers to pick their favorite businesses and people in town. It's a great way to honor local merchants and do-gooders, and a fantastic tactic for twisting the arms of local businesses so they'll place ads in the paper.
"Hello, you've been voted the best seafood restaurant in town!"
"But we're the only seafood restaurant in town."
"I'll put you down for a full-page ad."
But enough about the Reader Weekly and its minions of wealthy employees who make well over $100,000 per year. Let's talk about me. Someone voted for me as "Best community activist", despite the fact that I don't live in Northern Minnesota and haven't actually set foot in the region for four years. This is what makes voting in an alt-weekly newspaper so great. You can be totally drunk, and they'll still accept your vote as legitimate. You can't do that in a regular election. Vomit shorts out the ballot counting machines. The Reader Weekly counts the votes by hand, so you can do whatever you want to your ballot. Be creative.
Perhaps the person who voted for me just wishes I would do something helpful, and wanted to inspire me. I'll be visiting Duluth during my trip home to Minneapolis for Christmas. I guess I'll have to do something activist-oriented during my one night in town. Perhaps I'll fix that whole "no jobs" problem you folks have. I have the means.
Honestly though, anyone who's baked enough to vote for me in a random category next year should pick something more comical. Perhaps "Best Fine Jewelry" or "Best Seafood Restaurant". Perhaps both.
Also, I'm a little hurt that nobody nominated me for "Best Faux Pas". That "Drag me to city hall and hang me" joke I made a few weeks ago was written specifically for that purpose.
Why the hell did that person vote for me? Is my name the new "Mickey Mouse" for this younger generation of frustrated voters? I hope not. Judging by the candidates in Minnesota's governor race, I might actually win. I don't want to clean up you people's messes.
One thing's certain: I definitely wasn't nominated because of these columns. Really, when was the last time I wrote a good one? If there was a category for "Longest Period Without Writing a Column Worth Reading", I'd win in a landslide.
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