Ahhh, Thanksgiving: A time for love, friendship, forgiveness, and slowly weakening Native Americans with smallpox. Most of us will only incorporate three of those traditions into our annual festivities, but I'll be doing all four.
I'm kidding. Please stop writing letters, middle-aged hippies.
Honestly though, what do any of us really know about this holiday? I think my first lesson about the history of Thanksgiving came from a Bugs Bunny cartoon, and most of the others came from "special episodes" of popular TV shows like "Family Ties". Which means the only concrete knowledge I have about the holiday is that a Thanksgiving dinner with Michael J. Fox would be hilarious, but also meaningful in a bland 1980s sort of way.
I don't want today's kids to suffer this same bout of ignorance. As a widely respected journalist, I feel it's my duty to educate everyone's children about this holiday. Gather round, kiddies. Uncle Paul is going to tell you everything you need to know.
You see, it all dates back to November 24, 1982. The Keaton children, much like their grandparents, were mighty conservative. So when their father (Michael Gross) and mother (Meredith Baxter Birney) left the family on Thanksgiving Day to attend an anti-nuke rally, and ended up in jail (Gasp!), Michael J. Fox said, "Enough is enough, Meredith Baxter Birney! Get in this house and cook me a turkey! Your liberal hootenany has brought humiliation to God far too many times!" And she did come back and cook that turkey, because God and Michael J. Fox wanted her to.
It is unknown whether God and Michael J. Fox wanted her to star in Lifetime movies with titles like "My Breast", or if such things also brought shame to Them. I'm guessing they both thoroughly enjoyed the made-for-TV movie, and sent Meredith Baxter Birney a small card that said, "Thanks for making a movie about breasts that I won't feel guilty watching."
I know I did.
Regardless, our story continues beyond 1982 and into weaker times. It was the fall of 1983, and much like how Native Americans were plagued with smallpox nearly 400 years before, Michael J. Fox was plagued with the role of Jay-Jay Manners in "High School U.S.A.", a failed sitcom pilot which also starred Todd Bridges, Dana Plato, and Bob freaking Denver.
At this point, you may stop me and ask, "How does any of this tie into the history of Thanksgiving, Paul?" I don't know, but I do know that Dana Plato and Bob freaking Denver are dead, so we should give thanks this Thursday that Michael J. Fox and Todd Bridges are still around to share this holiday with us. Is there anything more we can ask from God than for Him to bring us both Todd Bridges and a successful harvest season? I think not.
This the end of our history lesson, dear reader. I've now bestowed upon you everything I know about Thanksgiving, Todd Bridges, and the first season of "Family Ties" episodes. It's just a shame I won't be back home in Minneapolis to personally share this combination of knowledge with my own family.
I live too far away from home now to eat Thanksgiving dinner with my parents. Or at least that's what I'm telling them. Plane tickets are around $500, and I work as a temp, so it's just not economically feasible. Or at least that's what I've got them believing. To fly home would mean doubling my current debt, which would force me to seek a night job at Walmart cleaning microscopic poo out of fish tanks. Or at least . . . no, actually that description's pretty accurate.
I may not see my family on this girthiest of holidays, but I'll be with them, and all of you, in spirit. Have a happy and safe Thanksgiving everyone, and remember: It is totally not weird for us to cram a dead turkey's anus full of stuffing.
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