The day after Thanksgiving is a shopping tradition, even somewhat of a religion among the retarded. While the term "Black Friday" may seem really cool and hip, it's actually just the day when hordes of women with no personal life flock to stores for sale prices on mediocre and outdated products, and sometimes gift bags filled with completely worthless bullshit.
Why do they do it? Let's compare the average person to a Black Friday shopper. A normal person understands that the insane traffic, suffocating crowds, and overall irritability of the first shopping day of the Christmas season is best avoided at all costs. After all, it's a day off from work for most people. Why waste it waking up horrendously early and standing in line all day?
Black Friday shoppers see the situation differently. That 7% off on clothing? Completely worth the hassle. That $20 DVD player that's refurbished, won't play burned DVDs, and will stop working after a month? Totally worth lining up for two hours before Kmart opens. That $15 "The Da Vinci Code" DVD? Definitely cheaper than the $13.75 Amazon's charging.
This faulty logic is the weakness of a typical Black Friday shopper. Their lack of friends and physical attractiveness makes them value just the idea of a sale, even when the sale in question sucks ass. But don't try to reason with them. It's impossible. As long as "women's microfleece cold weather accessories" are 15 percent off, they won't hear a word you're saying. It's best just to ignore these douches completely.
There are two main types of Black Friday douches to ignore. The 5am early bird shoppers are usually wrinkly old ladies who smell like cat barf. They get up at 5am every day, because all their friends are dead and they weren't up late having sex with anyone. The crowd arriving after 7am is usually overweight housewives who have never held a job. If given the chance, they will eat you.
Then they will poop you into one of their gift bags, and give it to their naughtier grandchildren for Hanukkah.
You're probably noticing how I'm singling out women. That's because men, for the most part, don't shop on Black Friday unless forced to by a significant other. Such horrible abuse is no different than when Stanley Kowalski raped Blanche DuBois in the play "A Streetcar Named Desire". So stop it, ladies. Stop forcing your Black Friday Penis unto us.
Okay, back to the main topic. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm not much for the "Buy Nothing Day" theory, but I am very into common sense, and nobody with any common sense will be shopping on Friday. Stay home and have sex with your wife/girlfriend/hand/loofah/pet/child. Try to find the perfect balance of eating too many leftovers and drinking too much booze. Or better yet, sleep until 3pm and then complete all your Christmas shopping online in a matter of minutes, conveniently having everything shipped to your door. That's what I'll be doing.
Everyone in my family is getting the complete sixth season of "King of Queens". Shhh! Don't tell!
 |
- Digg this! - | Mail me - | Recommend - | Donate - |  |
Advertisements
| ||||||||
| ||||||||
| ||||||||
| ||||||||
