The holiday season is here again, folks! It's time for the Northern Minnesota Christmas Ball! All Northland residents are welcome. As in previous years, we have an open bar, loads of prizes, and an assortment of people who are famous within a 12-mile area. However, because of some . . . er, issues with last year's festivities, please review this new list of rules:
1. A white t-shirt and jeans is not "dressing up". A flannel purchased in the last two years, however, still qualifies.
2. No urinating outside before 7pm. One of the greatest perks of living in the Northland is we're not uptight. We know public urination doesn't hurt anyone. However, there were some problems last year with people relieving themselves against the outside of the building as other guests were arriving at 4pm. Many people wanted to meet newscaster Dennis Anderson last year, and it was a shame he left after his shirt was ruined by rogue urinators.
3. Keep your poetry to yourself. We have quite the thriving poetry community here in the Northland, and also quite a thriving hippie community. We're proud of that. I myself have occasionally attended Poetry Harbor meetings. However, your poem about AIDS is probably best performed outside of holiday gatherings.
4. We will not valet park your drinking car. Yes, we know it's important that you drink after working hard all week. Yes, we know it's expensive to take a cab all the way back to Hibbing. Yes, we know you purchased that $300 car because you didn't want your normal car to get messed up if you crashed into a telephone pole on your way home. However, we can't support drunk driving, even if you live in the middle of nowhere and there's nothing to hit except deer, bears, and the occasional hermit who has no family or friends to sue you.
5. If you're over 50, please don't make out on the dance floor. Once again, we love our hippie population here in Duluth, but just because you're young at heart doesn't mean you need to run your hand down your wife's pants like the 18-year-olds at Stargate. There's a place for that sort of thing, and that place is in the back seat of a random car in the parking lot that someone carelessly left unlocked.
6. No firearms, please. This rule is in honor of Lenny Friborg, who was accidentally shot seven times at last year's Christmas Ball. Thankfully, his liver was salvaged, and though it has a few bullet holes in it, someone at the Kozy Bar will still find it to be a step up from their current liver.
7. The sink is not an outhouse, Herb. Look, us Vikings fans let it slide when you drove drunk through Wisconsin, but there's no excuse for spreading debauchery here on the Minnesota side. Shame on you.
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