When does the Christmas season officially start? The day after Thanksgiving? No, that doesn't feel like Christmas. The first big snowfall? No, that sometimes happens in October. The first day radio stations change their formats to Christmas music? No, that happens as early as July. What is it that lets everyone know the Christmas season has arrived? Chimney mishaps, my friends. Chimney mishaps.
Everyone may start participating in holiday activities the first day of December, but like the groundhog telling us when spring has arrived, the Christmas season isn't officially here until some dumb asshole gets stuck in his chimney. The logistics of a common household chimney aren't difficult to grasp, but year after year, people keep forgetting the standard formula:
Man2 + Hole the size of a raccoon2 = Hilarity2
This year's first chimney mishap, on Dec. 9 in Denver, was a little different than usual. The genius who got stuck wasn't trying to be Santa Claus, he was just locked out of his house and wanted to get inside. However, his mistake still comes from the myths brought by Christmas, so I'm counting it. As Gertrude Stein famously said, "A douchebag is a douchebag is a douchebag", and anyone who lists "slide down a 15-foot chimney" as a viable solution to anything is certainly a douchebag worthy of kicking off our annual holiday season.
Have things like this always happened? These chimney mishaps seem like modern problems. I don't remember hearing about morons getting stuck in chimneys when I was a kid. Perhaps I just didn't pay attention to the news back then. I grew up thinking of adults as infallible, incapable of making dumb mistakes. I can't imagine modern kids thinking the same way when every newspaper, TV network, and radio station has 10 stories each year about jerks getting stuck in chimneys.
Then again, I guess stupidity is universal among both adults and kids no matter what the year. When I was in middle school, a boy in my neighborhood jumped off the roof of his house holding a chair over his head. Not a cape or a blanket, mind you. A wooden chair. Word has it he was a big fan of Superman, though I'm not sure which movie or comic book has Superman coasting through the atmosphere with the help of dining room furniture. On the bright side, the kid recovered and was immediately hired to run our country's social security program.
If people are dumber these days, I guess we could always blame alcohol. The guy who got stuck in his chimney this year was rescued by Denver firefighters at 3:20am. While the news report didn't say alcohol was involved, can we just assume? I've been to Denver, and if you're not a skier or snowboarder, there's really nothing else to do but get drunk and throw yourself down a chimney. It's either that or watch the Broncos, but they weren't playing on that particular night.
I guess I shouldn't make fun of people involved in chimney mishaps. Most of them, dumb as they are, are just trying to make Christmas a little more exciting for their family - something they'll certainly accomplish, even if it's by way of emergency workers hoisting them out of their chimney by force.
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