I'm flying home for Christmas this week, but my trip will be a little different than most people I know, because I'm poor and must take the subway to the airport. The full trip involves two transfers and a shuttle bus, so I took a test run the other day. I think I've narrowed down exactly how to go.
First I get in the red subway car that's full of weird white people who look like they've peed themselves. Once the hipsters and hobos disappear and the flashy Mexicans start boarding, that means it's time to switch to the blue subway car that's full of poor Mexicans who are weird and look like they've peed themselves.
The blue subway car takes a while, but I know it's time to get off when we reach the stop where the 12-year-old black girl is blocking the escalator and singing a rap song with the lyrics, "Put my dick in your mouth, put my dick in your mouth, put my dick in your mouth". These lyrics are ironic, because she is a girl and obviously does not have a penis to put in people's mouths.
It takes some time to maneuver past the girl without having her penis of questionable existence inserted into my mouth, but once I do, I get on the green subway car full of weird black people who look like they've peed themselves. This subway car runs above ground along the highway, allowing people driving in rush hour traffic to say "Hey, at least I'm not in a subway car full of murderers." Once I reach the stop where the hobo with no teeth sits beside me and rubs his genitals briskly, I'll know I'm in Crenshaw, which is two stops away from the airport.
And by "airport" I mean two miles from the airport, where I wait for the shuttle bus that comes roughly once every four days. By the time it arrives, I've become completely obsessed with finding out the name of that song that talks about putting dicks in people's mouths.
So I think the route is pretty cut and dried, but I'm a little concerned about the timing. I took my test run at 3pm on a Sunday, but my flight is a red-eye and I'm a little worried that certain aspects of the itinerary will be different on Thursday at 1am. For instance, will the same hobo sit beside me when we reach Crenshaw? If so, will he not be rubbing his genitals this time? Will he be rubbing my genitals instead? I don't want to get confused and miss my stop.
What about the white lady with the Liz Taylor haircut in the red subway car? Will there still be a large stain in her crotch, or will the urine have dried by the wee hours of the morning? Will I know when to switch to the blue subway car if the flashy Mexicans are considerably less flashy? If the black girl is singing a different song about penises, will I miss my stop and end up in Long Beach? And if that happens, will I be able to score crack right at the platform, or will I have to walk a bit?
All these things are important when you're trying to catch a flight. I guess I'll just have to trust my navigational skills and hope for the best.
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