One of the more difficult tasks in the holiday season is selecting gifts for loved ones. Children always want items that are sold out or too expensive, and adults usually just buy things when they need them instead of waiting for Christmas. So how do you find a decent gift? Let's start with adults.
First, decide how much you like the person. If your father was loving and generous, you should get him something nice, like a pound of bacon. If your father beat you as a child, you should take a picture of your asshole and mail it to him. Make sure it looks like a real gift, so he'll have the added embarrassment of opening it in front of relatives.
Next, figure out what the person enjoys. Since most adults take care of their own needs, it's best to indulge their hobbies. For instance, if your awkward, balding uncle stays indoors a lot, doesn't have many friends, and spends a lot of time on the internet, think progressively and buy him lotion and Kleenex to help with his masturbation. If your brother is Caucasian but dresses like a thug, buy him a large mirror so he'll be able to see how stupid he looks.
Finally, when giving the gift, let people know how hard you worked to get it, and how difficult it was to find. That way, even if they don't like it, you'll never know because they'll be too afraid of hurting your feelings to tell you the truth. Ignorance is bliss, or in this case, ignorance means you don't have to give a shit.
What about children? As a parent, you have more control than if you were buying gifts for your parents or relatives. Take advantage of it by spending as little money as possible. Kids are freaking stupid, so if you go for quantity instead of quality, you can trick them into thinking the mound of cheap, worthless trinkets you got them is better than a Nintendo Wii. If they ever get intelligent enough to call you on this ruse, whip them with your belt and lock them in their room for the rest of the day.
Speaking of lousy gifts, don't allow others to get stupid things for you. Give people an exact list and point out how wrong it is for them to stray from your approved items. If someone gives you a George Foreman grill or a breadmaker, save it in your closet and re-gift it back to them next Christmas. Make sure to punch a big hole in the box so they can't return it anywhere for store credit.
Often times, young children will just make you a gift at school, like a popcorn ball or a construction paper snowflake with glitter on it. This is total bullshit. Tell them to steal money from other children in order to get you a decent gift. Some schools have a gift fair where kids can pick out lame, crappy gifts like plastic earrings and picture frames that the school probably bought on overstock from Kmart. Return the items to the school and demand your money back. If the principal refuses, punch him in the face and spit in his hair.
I hope this tutorial has helped you with your Christmas shopping. It's the last minute though, so anyone who doesn't have their shopping done is either lazy or male. No matter which description fits you, feel free to thank me for my tips by buying me a pound of bacon. I prefer the maple bacon or sugar-cured bacon. It's expensive, but delicious. Trust me, I'm awesome enough to warrant the cost.
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