Here is my list of resolutions for the new year. Please notice how I've made a lot more of them than you have. That's because I'm much, much more flawed than you.
1. I will join a gym. I'm not an overweight man, or even a flabby man, but I'll turn 28 years old this May, so flabby time is probably on its way. I can't keep this sexy hourglass figure forever without putting some effort into it. When you see me at the gym, please note how awesome I am at everything I attempt.
2. I will not father any more children with 18-year-old seniors from your local high school. Four illegitimate kids in your area is enough for me.
3. I will not die in a fire. If I die, it'll be on the toilet, like Elvis.
4. I will not allow myself to listen to Fall Out Boy this year. I don't even own their CD, but my ears were still singed many times in 2006 by their lead singer's neutered voice. This year I will stay away from commercial radio stations and anyone under the age of 20 (This will help with resolution number two as well).
5. I will not use a credit card for items that cost less than $1. Quit scoffing. I'm not the only one. You and I both use our check cards like old people use coupons: Everywhere, even places we're not supposed to use them.
6. Get a real job. I'm 27 years old, and I'm working as a temp at Fox Studios. My parents purposely leave me out of their Christmas newsletter, and if people ask what I'm doing, they lie and say I got hit by a bus, and the temp job is only until I get full mobility back in my fingers.
7. Finish writing my book. I started writing a book of humorous, non-fictional essays two years ago. I've managed to complete about 12 pages of it, but it's the greatest 12 pages you'll ever read. The part where I ride a snowmobile through the seedier parts of Compton will excite you in ways your significant other cannot.
8. Take down everyone's Christmas lights. Sometimes you have to be responsible not only for yourself, but for others. That guy down the street who left the gigantic plastic Santa and 40 other oversized figurines in his front yard until March? I know how to drive a pickup truck, and I know the location of the city dump.
9. Eat more chili lime tortilla chips.When God rested on the seventh day of creation, he probably spent the whole day eating chili lime tortilla chips from Target. Man, those things are good. I want to pour 40 bags of them into my bathtub and sleep there.
10. Stop making new year's resolutions. Is there anything worse than starting off the new year with a big list of crap to do? Can I at least have a nice breakfast before I ambush myself with these chores? Is that too much to ask? Can "scrambled eggs and toast - take your time" be first on my list next year? Of course, the second resolution on next year’s list is to go through this list and feel shame for my lack of accomplishment.
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