Searching for an apartment is not a sexy affair. It's not a fun time, a night at the disco, or a makeout session in the closet of your parents' house while they're gone on vacation for Martin Luther King Day. It's a lengthy, tiresome hassle that could kill you if you're not careful.
Kill you!
I've been searching for an apartment since December, when my fartbag landlord raised my rent. When I say "landlord", I actually mean the realty company that owns my building. I hate them like I hate mimes. Their office has had three secretaries in the year I've lived here, and not a single one of them speaks more than eight words of English. Every time I call with a problem, I spend 15 minutes explaining exactly what the sentence I'm saying means. I'm pretty sure that's intentional.
Soon I'll leave them behind for a new landlord, one who at least speaks Spanish as a first language instead of Mandarin Chinese. The search has been lengthy and difficult, but I've learned a few things along the way. I'd like to share my learnings with you, not because I like you, but because I crave your attention.
If the apartment is described as "Art deco style", it means it's a shithole. If it's described as "New York style", it means you'll be peeing and cooking in the same room.
If you're lucky enough to find a great apartment in your price range, then you're probably very wealthy. If you're not wealthy, then it means the apartment's in a dangerous neighborhood, has an infestation problem, or has windows that look directly into the apartments of ugly people in other buildings.
If the landlord seems senile, try to convince him that the year is 1947. He may lower your rent to twenty dollars per month.
If the building has a doorman, spit in his eye and see how he reacts. If he ignores it, then that's a great doorman who knows his place. If he gets mad, tell the manager you saw him drinking.
Brokers are not for you. If you could afford a broker, you wouldn't be reading a shitty website like this one.
Paying to search for apartments is no less pathetic than paying for sex. Craigslist is free and well-designed. Use it. If you miss the thrill of paying for outdated apartment listings stolen from the local newspaper, send your money to me. I'll search for you.
Hardwood floors look nice but are cold in the morning. Carpeted floors are sensible but harder to clean when your bastard infant who you didn't list on the lease micturates upon them.
If the lease is only six months, your rent will go up in six months. If your lease is one year, your rent will go up in one year. If your lease is two years, you're in a state penitentiary for armed robbery.
Furnished apartments are for elderly people who just want to sit around until they die.
If you find a great apartment, fend off likely competitors by punching them in the face during the open house.
Check out the neighbors before moving in. If they're ugly, keep in mind that you'll have to look at them for an entire year.
Your parents' basement does not count as an apartment, no matter how much rent they're charging you.
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JD  | Jan 18, 2007 • 11:07am | | yes but bear in mind also, if you ugly enough, the neighbours might move away | | Farsi | Jan 12, 2007 • 4:37am | | Wouldn't a good doorman kick your ass if you spit in his eye? I would, and I'm pretty much a good doorman. | | Yvette | Jan 11, 2007 • 11:09pm | | Most of these problems sound pretty serious but I bet you'd get used to looking at ugly people...if that's the only drawback. Hey, it's only for a year. I wouldn't try prison since you must never consider prison when you're a pretty boy! | | Dennis | Jan 11, 2007 • 8:10am | | micturates. Sweet word! | | 8berse6 | Jan 11, 2007 • 12:41am | | I would look for hardwood floors if I was you (drunk vomit is harder to clean out of carpet than regular vomit), just a suggestion. |
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