My downstairs neighbor doesn't like me very much. You'd think we'd have a few things in common since we're the same age, but she seems to hate everything I enjoy. For instance, I love pounding nails into the wall late at night. Her? Not so much.
I also love playing basketball on my Nerf hoop. Sometimes I have friends over and we all play at once, slam dunking and elbowing each other into the walls. Even though it's only a foam ball, it's still pretty entertaining to watch. However, my neighbor hasn't taken me up on my offer to come to our games. She just says "Blah blah blah very loud blah blah sounds like the hardwood floors are collapsing blah blah I'm frightened for my life blah blah." Hey lady, it's not my fault you don't like sports.
Sometimes I have friends over, not to party, but just to hang out and talk. My neighbor isn't much for talking. Or rather, she's not much for other people talking. This is ironic, because she calls me up to talk all the time, though I guess she's technically yelling, not talking. Maybe I should invite my friends over to shout instead. We could spend all night screaming normal conversations, like "COULD YOU PASS ME THE POTATO CHIPS THAT TASTE LIKE CHILI?" or "GEE, EDDIE MURPHY SURE IS LOUSY AT PICKING MOVIES TO ACT IN". I bet she'd enjoy that.
Even normal, non-annoying activities are a problem. Turning my TV up to a level above a whisper? Too loud for her. Walking across the floor while wearing shoes? Too loud for her. Sitting down on my couch? She can hear that, and it's too damn loud. Stop sitting so loud up there! I don't know how the hell she can hear people sitting, but she can. Either she has great hearing or my upstairs neighbor just stands all day. I suspect she spends most of her free time standing on a ladder, pressing a glass up to the ceiling and listening to me.
If that's the case, you'd figure her accuracy would be better. Last week my other neighbors next door were - um, how can I put this - having sex very loudly, and my downstairs neighbor called the landlord and complained about me. While a part of me is flattered that she thinks I'm attractive enough to be having relations regularly, most of me is frustrated about getting in trouble for it when someone else is having the sex. It's like getting busted for a robbery and someone else getting the money.
I've tried talking to my neighbor when I see her in the hall or near the mailboxes. I've tried complimenting her hair and eyes, or saying "Hey! How about those things you do! I sure do love those particular things you love or are not opposed to!" Sadly, now she just thinks I'm trying to get her to have loud sex with me. And trust me, dear reader, there's nothing I want less.
God, I hope she's not reading this. She'll probably tell the landlord about it.
There are 11 months left on my 12-month lease. If I have to spend those months tiptoeing around my own apartment and not having any friends over, then I think she's the one who should be evicted. With a fire hose. It's the easiest way. Just walk into her apartment and start spraying her until she leaves. That's how my uncle got rid of rats.
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