The Sea Monkey Chronicles

Note: This is day two of "guest column week" at Daily Ramblings. Paul continues his mystery sabbatical from writing columns, and was last spotted in the emergency room at La Crosse Memorial Hospital after trying to iron his underpants while still wearing them. He was reportedly drunk during the entire ordeal, and had to be restrained by medical personnel after mooning the doctor seven times while yelling "Take a CRACK at it, why don't ya! Ha! Butt crack!". Today's guest columnist is Ian Talty, who works as a banker. Talty is hiding from his past as a poo joke writer with Paul on the Richfield High School newspaper staff. Talty now only posts rude guest columns occasionally on this website, like this one from last year.

You know 'em, you love 'em, you probably had 'em as a child. They present a microcosm of the cruelties of the world to children. They give you a chance to wield god-like powers at a young age. Will you be kind and merciful, feeding them daily and tending to them carefully? Will you be a neglectful god, forgetting that your subjects even exist, leaving them to slowly starve to death, choking on their own dirty water? Or will you be a vengeful god, meting out punishment randomly and harshly, ruling over your sea monkey kingdom with a bloody iron fist? Ah childhood! My mom probably shouldn't have huffed all that oven cleaner when she was pregnant.

In an attempt to recapture a piece of my childhood, and for scientific purposes, I ordered up several batches of Sea Monkeys. They arrived a few weeks ago, and I began my experimentation immediately. Following is a log of my results. All Sea Monkeys used in these experiments (except for the final one) were first raised to maturity in water purified via the Sea Monkey Kit.

Liquid: Left in purified water. Fed daily. Tank kept clean.

Result: Sea Monkeys thrived, spawning generation after generation. Their civilization ended only because my cat knocked over -and feasted upon the contents of their tank.

Liquid: North Minneapolis Tap Water.

Result: Sea Monkeys lived long and spawned many generations, but became increasingly hostile. Began smoking crack and killing each other over "turf" in the tank. Project abandoned when 5th generation Sea Monkeys attempted to "tank-jack" neighboring goldfish bowl.

Liquid: Mountain Dew.

Result: Sea Monkeys swam in circles for hours and hours, then died. Presumably of exhaustion.

Liquid: Gin

Result: Swimming abilities impaired within a matter of minutes. Sea Monkeys collide with each other with alarming frequency...begin fighting. Returned Sea Monkeys to purified water after an hour of this drunken violence.

Liquid: Vicks Vap-O-Rub

Result: Sea Monkeys amaze me by managing to leap out of the tank, only to die of asphyxiation on the floor. Foolish Sea Monkeys.

Liquid: Ken Davis BBQ Sauce

Result: Very difficult to observe Sea Monkeys through thick red sauce. Abandon experiment after half an hour, spread contents of tank on rolls, eat. Tasty BBQ Sea Monkey Sammich!

Liquid: Bong Water

Result: Sea Monkeys seem quite content, languid. Ingest three times their normal amount of Sea Monkey Food. Begin to protest "unjust captivation" in tank, but get distracted quickly and fall asleep.

Liquid: Purified Sea Monkey Water, which is placed in the freezer

Result: Hilarity. By setting my freezer to its coldest setting, I flash-froze the Sea Monkeys in an ice cube tray. When said cubes are places into people's beverages, the Sea Monkeys are slowly thawed back to life, and wriggle around in people's drinks. In hindsight, my grandmother's wake may not have been the optimum place to try this out.

Liquid: None

Result: At this point, I had run out of good Liquids, and decided to chop my remaining sea monkey eggs into a big fat line, which I snorted through a rolled up Jack Chick tract. No noticeable effects, except for a sudden deep and meaningful appreciation of the music of Starland Vocal Band.

In conclusion, these experiments taught me a few important lessons. Sea Monkeys taste great with BBQ sauce. Never pull a practical joke at a wake, lest you get written out of your grandfather's will. This Starland Vocal Band tattoo on my arm is the coolest thing ever. Oh, and some crap about science. But I don't have time to get into that now, I've got a pot of coffee brewing, and I think there's a few Sea Monkeys left. Let's see how they like swimming' in a cup of Joe.

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Reader Comments

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Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm        Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   zam      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Why was urine not a liquid? Sigh...and you call yourself a friend of Paul\'s..... Jen      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I can\'t believe I went through my entire day without knowing of this column! At last my dream of sea monkey experimentation is fulfilled. Scapegoat      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Then they would\'ve been \"Pee Monkeys.\" Wish I would\'ve thought of that. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Stellar column, Ian. I would have tried floating the sea monkeys in urine, but hey, that\'s just me. Your variety of liquid testing was astounding. Scapegoat      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Butter Dumpster? Strong words, Laup, for a fella who works the 11 to 3 shift on glory hole number 4 at \"The Manhole\" bar. bec      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   why are you two dyslexic? Luap      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   What a terrible column! Nai and Ian are butter dumpsters! bec      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I thought this was sooo funny...you should have your own little side column to Paul\'s once a week or something!

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