Top ten reasons America will never have a sexy president

1. The sad reality of politics is that only smart ugly people have most of the money and influence. Which is why we always end up with candidates who look more Sharpton than sharp. You'd think that some small portion of campaign donations could be donated towards hair care products. We are the largest super power in the world after all and citizens of other nations might surely wonder if our supreme leader looks more unruly than Saddam upon capture.

2. Sex appeal IS actually bottled and released in specified voting booths throughout the country, influencing you at the time to vote for the ugliest candidate possible. Any possible arguments with this theory can only look back upon the hippie movement and the 2000 election with this man in the race.

3. Most candidates who had even the slightest amount of sex appeal during their youth lose it by middle age. Perfect example, a young Howard Dean. Look at this. He was HOT!! What possibly could have happened to make him go so far downhill? Could it have been that threadbare JC Penney suit that ruined him for the masses forever?

4. The uglier you are, you become most likely to sleep with the most number of people possible to gain support. Someone has to love the Southerners and it will most likely only be one of their own who can appreciate the trailer park living, marrying your first cousin, grammar-lacking bubbas who roam in the hottest sections of our nation. Even ugly bastards need love too.

5. Money can buy popularity but can only make you so pretty. It can also buy a presidency but not literacy for some reason. Can anyone explain to me why this monkey/man won the presidency and yet cannot seem to speak the language of his own country? I mean I know he's from Texas and we've seen that he probably is the prettiest that Ol' Georgie and Barbara could produce but still. Aren't there birth control methods available that can stop this sort of thing from happening?

6. Marrying a rich widow and being dull always wins Conservatives but can't stop that ugly stick from hitting again and again. Botox can only help SO much. Unless of course you found those drooping lines sexy just imagine the rest of him if his face was much like a saggy baggy elephant.

7. Being in a uniform certainly helps with the ladies but can only help encourage future appearances on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Who needs a president who needs that much help? Unless of course, you're trying to find more ways for the French to make fun of us.

8. Need I comment on this candidate? I mean really? I'm sure you readers have eyes enough. Well, only for the blind friends of Paul may I comment on the following picture. Dennis Kucinich, the candidate for blind non-sexual beings everywhere.

9. If you like wrinkly Jews, then ignore the following. For the rest of you, think happy thoughts and try to imagine Lieberman in a Speedo. I mean really. Could anything truly be more disgusting?

10. And of course, the biggest reason we'll never have a sexy President is that we've yet to have a woman president. I mean once we have a commander in chief with jugs, I'm sure this issue will be quickly remedied. But until then, keep voting and try to imagine that swearing in.

The Von Bondies are one of my favorite new high-energy bands on the indie scene. In fact, the only thing I don't like about them is the fact that they've chosen to skip Minneapolis on their US tour. Boo to that. I'm not driving to Milwaukee and back on a Thursday night. Anyway, this song is really short, and well worth the miniscule download time. "C'mon C'mon" by The Von Bondies Music archives

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Reader Comments

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lightningup      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   No need to bristle, my Jewish friend, me thinks it was a joke- as was the Southern trailer park comment. bristle one, then bristle all. Anna      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   This definatly needed an attack on the ass currently screwing the country over. Meghan Finley/The Immortal Beloved      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   mindwalker feel free to send the Anti-Defamation league to my door as long as they select their finest to show me the error of my ways :) tom      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   al sharpton is HOT! mindwalker      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   I had to look at those pics again. The Sharpton pic is priceless. And I\'m putting that pic of W on my screen as my wallpaper. I might even appropriate it for my column in the Reader. You rock Meghan. Scapegoat      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   A most excellent column. And I must say, I love *all* the Jewish brothers and sisters in the world...but I love the wrinkly ones the most. Katers      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Excellent column! The Kucinich picture is priceless, as well as pretty much any picture of W. Excellent southern hick references as well. mindwalker      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   Nice try Meghan. I don\'t think you\'re an anti-Semite though, so I won\'t refer this column to the Anti-Defamation league..haha. I like poking fun at things, but when I see Jewish stuff I get a little weird. Or maybe its just all this Passion of the Christ stuff that has made me so sensitive. I\'m like a anti-Semitic beacon. At any rate, your column was VERY funny, made me laugh and I hope to see more stuff from you. mindwalker      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   blah blah blah Ryan. It was gratuitous. I let the \"southern trailer park\" shit fly even though I am from the south. But THAT was gratuituous. :) Paul Ryan      Dec 31, 1969 • 4:00pm   The wrinkly Jew comment was necessary because it was damn funny. Damn funny takes precedence over everything else.

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