My Very Own Shitposts

Writing Project -- Rewrite a video game

Dec 022019


Project: A long-ass video game script
Est. Time: 6-8 months
Actual Time: 47.3 years

I need to modernize my writing. Something new. Newspaper columns and TV scripts are for old geezers, so I'm going to try writing a video game. Specifically, I'm going to write a patch to transform one of my favorite Super Nintendo games, Chrono Trigger, into a modern political farce titled "AOC is Triggered".  

Assuming I can pull this off, your battle party will include AOC, Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, Robert Mueller and Joe Biden. Locations include Los Angeles [1995 & 2019], Tijuana, Silicon Valley, Washington DC, and our corp-ruled post apocalyptic future. The title image shown is photoshopped. Poorly.

I earned a degree in print journalism and all I got was this underinflated ego

Aug 102019

Hello. I don't know how you ended up at a squirrel-themed microblog, but I guess that's where you are in your life. My name is Paul Ryan and I'm a former columnist for The Reader. Sorry. I'm creating this non-exotic shitpost factory as a retro way to blow off some steam. 

Why do a blog? Who's going to read a blog in 2020? Grizzly-faced alcoholics who used to be middle-class but now wear beanie hats and sleep by the pier? That's the audience I want. I'm pretty sure it's the audience I had at The Reader. Also, look at this amazing blog interface. Shit-tons of white space. Having that much room to breathe lowers my crippling anxiety from a seven straight down to a six.

Let's call this diary a microblog. That sounds hip and environmentally progressive. I'll post some juvenile observations. I'll brainstorm some new writing projects and publicly humiliate myself into finishing them. Then each of you will mail me $12,000 so I can build a treehouse mansion and sit, bathed in vantablack, drinking cucumber water served by a robot butler who also gently dusts my trendy Japanese toy collection. My cologne will smell amazing, but you'll hardly know it's there.