My Very Own Apocalyptic Shitposts

March 18, 2020

Mar 202020

I'm 40 years old, diabetic and a food delivery driver during the worst pandemic in hundreds of years. That makes me worry I might be dead soon, but knowing my shit luck I'll probably live forever. I have lots of debt, no savings, no health insurance and a pretty shitty demeanor.

Symptoms of caronavirus range from sneezing a few times while jerking off to anime porn (age 0-30) to a complete failure of the respiratory system (age 50+). We don't seem to know which people will get which outcome, with the exception of cancer survivors and smokers getting the worst of it. The entire state of California shut down today with the exception of essential services. The entire country will follow within a few weeks.

Last week, the streets of Los Angeles had much milder traffic than usual and it felt kinda nice. Now it's mostly me and the ambulances out there each night. I see other drivers when I pick up food from restaurants, but we stand on opposite sides of the room like cornered raccoons who desperately want to keep the pork chop we found.

I'm stuck between the decision of staying home and bankrupting myself or continuing to make $13/hr delivering food to people who just don't seem to give a fuck about answering the door while sick. The only joy of the job is DoorDash has no customer service, so unless I shit in a Carl's Jr bag and deliver it, I can't really be fired. Considering the tips we get, I wouldn't be surprised if others have attempted that. I guess that's us as a species.